Boundaries are the personal property lines which define who we are, what we are responsible for, and where we have limits and limitations. Having clear boundaries is essential for a healthy, balanced lifestyle as well as for spiritual growth and for our ability to give and receive love. Yet many Christians lack boundaries because they fear being selfish, unloving, and unsubmissive.
In this Sunday School Series, which is based on the books `` Boundaries'' and ``Boundaries in Marriage'' by Drs. Henry Cloud & John Townsend, we want to take a biblical view of boundaries and in particular of boundaries in marriage. We will study what boundaries are and why they are necessary for our Christian walk. We will then look at ways to solve common boundaries conflicts with ourselves, friends, our work, our family, our children, and our spouse. Afterwards we will focus on building proper boundaries and resolving conflicts in our marriage. Finally we will discuss how to avoid the misuse of boundaries and to develop healthy ones instead.
In the past year we have discussed the issue of leadership and submission in the family. We have looked in detail at the roles that God has given to husbands and wives in a marriage, at possible reasons why we fail to fulfill this God-given role, and ways to overcome these problems.
Today, I want to begin a new series, which looks at marriage from a different perspective and shall help us to deal with the practical problems that we have to face every day.
Most of us come to Sunday School because we try to live our lives in the right way and hope to find some inspiration how to do that. We try to do a good job with our marriage, raise our children in the right way, be responsible and successful in our job, maintain or build relationships with family and friends, in all that be a witness for Christ, do a god job at church, and of course spend enough time with our Lord as well. Often we feel overwhelmed by the sheer number of duties we have.
Many of us have the impression that we simply can't do it. We just don't seem to have enough time to do everything we have to do. We struggle with our finances, because we want a nice home for our family, a good education for our children, enable them to have a good life, and our income doesn't seem to allow us to do that and still give our tithe to the Lord. In addition to that illnesses get into our way and make both our time and financial problems more difficult. And the people around us don't make it easy for us - most of all the people we feel closest to.
Life puts a lot of pressure on us and occasionally we get the feeling that everyday life is just beyond our control. And Christians struggle with this problem more often than the rest of the world, because they feel responsible for so many things and people around them and have a hard time saying ``no''.
As an illustration I would like to read a description of a typical day of a typical Christian mother who is just loaded with burdens. It's a fairly long story but I would like you to listen closely and tell me later what you think the cause for all these problems were.
``Why am I dreading this day? Lord, didn't you promise me a life of joy?''
Then, as the cobwebs left her mind, Sherrie remembered the reason for her dread: the four-o'clock meeting with Todd's third-grade teacher. The phone call returned to her memory: ``Sherry, this is Jean Russell. I wonder if we could meet about Todd's performance and his ...behavior.''
Todd couldn't keep still and listen to his teachers. He didn't even listen to Sherrie and Walt. He was such a strong-willed child, and she didn't want to quench his spirit. Wasn't that more important?
``Well, no time to worry about that right now. I've got enough troubles to keep me busy all day.'' Under the shower, Sherrie's mind moved our of first gear. She began mentally ticking of the day's schedule. Todd, nine, and Amy, six, would have been a handful even if she weren't a working mother.
``Let's see ...fix breakfast, pack two lunches, and finish sewing Amy's costume for the school play. That will be a trick - finishing the costume before the car pool picks her up at 7:45.''
Sherry thought regretfully about last night. She had planned to work on Amy's costume then but her mother had dropped in unexpectantly. The memories of her attempts to salvage the time weren't pretty.
Trying to be diplomatic, Sherry had told her mother, ``you can't imagine how much I enjoy your surprise visits, Mom. But I was wondering, if you would mind if I sew Amy's costume while we talk?''
``Sherry, you know I would be the last to intrude on your time with the family.'' Sherrie's mother, widowed for twelve years, had elevated her widowhood to the status of martyrdom. ``I mean, since your father died, it's been such an empty time. I still miss our family. How could I deprive you of that for yourself?''
I bet I find out how. Sherry thought to herself.
``That's why I can understand why you don't bring Walt and the children to see me much anymore. How could I be entertaining. I am just an old lady who gave her entire life to her children. Who would want to spend any time with me?''
``No, Mom, no,no, no! That's not what I meant at all! I mean ... it's so special to have you over here. Goodness knows, with our schedule, we'd like to visit more, but we just haven't been able to. That's why I am so glad that you took the initiative.'' Lord, don't strike me dead for this little lie, she prayed silently. ``In fact, I can do the costume anytime. Now, why don't I make us some coffee?''
Her mother sighed. ``All right, if you insist. But I just hate to think that I am intruding.''
The visit lasted way into the night. By the time her mother left, Sherry felt absolutely crazy, but she justified it to herself. At least I have helped to make her lonely day a little brighter. Then a pesky voice piped up. If you helped so much, why was she still talking about her loneliness when she left?
The next hour was, as usual, a disaster. The kids whined about getting out of bed and Walt complained, ``Can't you get the kids to the table in time?''
``Glad, I caught up with you, Sherrie. Listen, I am in a time crunch,'' he said, handing her a large sheaf of papers. ``This is the data for the final recommendations for the Kimbrough account. All it needs is a little writing and editing. And it's due tomorrow. But I'm sure it'll be no problem for you.''
Sherrie panicked. Jeff's ``editing'' needs were legendary. Sherrie saw a minimum of five hour's work. I had this data in to him three weeks ago! Why does this man get off having me save his face for his deadline?
Quickly she composed herself. ``Sure, Jeff. No problem. Glad I can help. What time do you need it?''
``Nine o'clock would be fine. And ...thanks, Sherrie. I always think of you when I am in a jam. You're so dependable''
``He's not a bad child, Sherrie. Todd is a bright, energetic boy. When he minds, he is one of the most enjoyable kids in the class. The problem is, that he doesn't respond well to limits. For example, during our task period, when children work on assignments, Todd has great difficulty. He gets up from his desk, pesters other kids, and won't stop talking. When I mention to him that his behavior is inappropriate, he becomes enraged and obstinate.''
Sherrie felt defensive about her only son. ``Maybe Todd has an attention-deficit problem, or he's hyperactive?''
Mrs. Russell shook her head. ``When Todd's second grade teacher wondered about that last year, psychological tests ruled that out. He stays on tasks very well when he's interested in the subject. I am no therapist, but it seems to me that he's just not used to responding to rules.''
``Are you saying this is some sort of home problem?''
Mrs. Russell looked uncomfortable. ``As I said, I am no therapist. I just know that in third grade most children resist rules. But Todd is off the scale. Any time I tell him to do something he doesn't want to it's World War III. And since all his intellectual and cognitive testing comes out normal, I was just wondering how things were at home.''
Sherrie could no longer hold back her tears. ``I need to be honest with you. Walt and I have a real struggle making Todd mind at home. When we're playing or talking, Todd is the most wonderful son I could imagine. But any time I have to discipline him, the tantrums are more than I can handle. So I guess, I don't have a solution for you.''
Jean nodded her head slowly. ``It really helps me, Sherrie, to know that Todd's behavior is a problem at home, too. At least now we can put our heads together on a solution.
The retreat. Sherrie had almost forgotten that the annual gathering of church women was this weekend. She had actually been looking forward to leaving the kids and Walt behind and strolling through the beautiful mountainous area for two days, just herself and the Lord. In fact, the possibility of solitude felt better to her than the planned group activities. Taking on Margie's activities coordinator position would mean giving up her precious alone time. No, it wouldn't work. She would just have to say ....
But automatically, her second thought pattern intervened. What a privilege to serve. Sherrie! By giving up a little portion of your life, by letting go of your selfishness, you can actually make a big difference in some lives. Think it over!
Sherrie didn't have to think it over. She was used to responding unquestioningly to this familiar voice, just as she responded to her mother's, and Phyllis', and maybe God's. ``I'll be happy to help. Just send me whatever Margie has done.''
Phyllis sighed, audibly relieved. ``Sherrie, I know it's a sacrifice. But isn't that the abundant Christian life? Being living sacrifices.''
If you say so, Sherrie thought. But she couldn't help wondering when the ``abundant'' part would come in.
The dishes stayed on the table. The family hadn't quite gotten the hang of helping yet. But maybe the kids were still a little young for that. Sherrie started clearing the dishes from the table.
But it was becoming noticeably harder these days. More and more the was having trouble concentrating, forgetting dates and deadlines, and not even caring a great deal about it all. But by sheer will-power, she had completed most of her tasks now. Now she had to get on with her real task for the evening: her talk with Walt.
Her and Walt's courtship and early marriage had been pleasant. But over the years, she had noted a shift in the relationship. It started subtly, but then became more pronounced. She saw it in the lack of respect in his eyes, when she tried to tell him about her need for more support from him, in his insistent demands for her to do things his way, and in his temper and anger.
At first, she had thought she was imagining things. Later, she had tried ``Loving Walt out of His Anger''. But nothing really worked and she felt that her love for her husband was eroding. And that was, what tonight was all about. Things needed to change. Somehow, they needed to rekindle the flames of their first love.
Sherrie walked into the family room. ``Honey, can we talk?'' There was no answer. Walt had fallen asleep on the couch. She turned off the TV and lights and walked into the bedroom.
But Lord, I already feel poor in spirit. I mourn over my life, my marriage, my children. I try to be gentle, but I just feel run over all the time. Where is your promise? Where is your hope? Where are you?
Sherrie waited in the darkened room for an answer. None came. The only sound was the quiet pit-pat of her tears running off her cheeks and onto the pages of her Bible.
We probably can all identify with Sherrie's dilemma - her helplessness, her confusion, her isolation, the feeling of guilt, and the feeling that life has gotten out of control.
But what is the cause of all that? Is it just an accumulation of bad
circumstances that will go away after a while? Or would things get better if she
were to try harder? What did you observe while listening to her story?
The last items are the key to her problem and those of many Christians. We fail to take ownership of our own life while taking responsibility for the lives of others. This is not how God wanted us to be. After creating us in his own image, he told us
God gave us responsibility for certain tasks. And part of this responsibility is knowing what is our job, and what is not. People who constantly take on duties that aren't theirs will eventually burn out. We hear about such burn-outs quite often and it always involves people who seem to have a great sense of responsibility and reliability. But their true problem is not that others abuse them or that they have too many duties. It is that they take on problems that were never intended to be theirs while neglecting their own life.
Married Christians are probably much stronger affected by this than any other people. Most of us have no greater desire than a lifetime of love and commitment of the air, and onto the person with whom we share our life. We want to become one flesh with our spouse. This is what marriage is about:
Marriage is about love, care, need, and companionship of two people who overcome immaturity and selfishness in order to form something better than what each person alone can produce. Love is at the center of marriage, but love cannot grow without freedom and responsibility. When we are free to disagree, then we are free to love. If we are not, we live in fear and love dies. When we both take responsibility to do what is best for our marriage, then love can grow. If we don't, then one of us will take too much responsibility and resent it and the other will not take on enough and become self-centered.
But freedom and responsibility requires us to respect boundaries, that is the invisible property lines which describe where a person begins and where it ends. Within these boundaries, a person must be able to act freely without being controlled by anybody else, and to take on responsibility for everything that happens. The mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries for our lives are the essence of our personality. If we can't set and respect appropriate boundaries at appropriate times, we will easily run into serious problems without ever finding out how we got into all this mess.
But setting boundaries is very difficult, since there are many questions that
need to be answered:
We will discuss what they are and why they are necessary. We will look at various boundaries conflicts with ourselves, friends, our work, family, children, and our spouse - and how we can deal with them. We will then look in detail at building proper boundaries and resolving conflicts in our marriage; and finally clarify some misunderstandings that help us to develop healthy boundaries while avoiding their misuse.
In all this we should keep one thing in our mind. Setting boundaries is not about fixing, changing, or punishing our spouse or other people. It is not about somebody else grow up. It is about us, about learning self-control - one of the nine fruits of the spirits described in Galatians 5:23 - and about taking ownership of our own life, so that we are protected enough to allow love to grow.
In the previous section we have illustrated how a boundaryless life can deprive us of the healthy, balanced lifestyle that we need for our spiritual growth and for our ability to give and receive love. Yet there are many Christians who lack boundaries, because they fear being selfish, unloving, and unsubmissive. We will therefore begin with the theoretical foundations - what are boundaries, what are they not, and why are they necessary - before we look at ways to solve common boundaries conflicts, particularly those in a marriage.
Many Christians have difficulties with the term ``boundaries'', because they have observed it being abused for selfish purposes and as an excuse for not allowing God to guide our life. Understanding the nature of boundaries therefore requires us to understand what boundaries should not be.
People have a lot of misconceptions of what boundaries really are.
They view boundaries as
People who understand boundaries in this way, use the expression ``setting boundaries'' just as an excuse for selfishness and an unwillingness to submit to God or anybody else. But that is not what boundaries are. In fact, the meaning of the term ``boundaries'' has been twisted by the world so much that Christians have become afraid of using it - just because they don't know the original meaning of the word anymore. It is the same with the word ``love'', which often is confused with selfish desire and lust, or at least with sentimentality. But should that keep us from using the term in the right way?
Setting boundaries has little to do with limiting others - it is about learning self-control - one of the nine fruits of the spirits described in Galatians 5:22-23:
In the simplest sense, a boundary is a property line. It denotes the beginning and the end of something. In the physical world, boundaries are often easy to see - fences, walls, signs, hedges, or sometimes only a slightly different appearance of the lawn. All this signs indicate the borderline of someone's property. Within these boundaries, the owner is fully responsible for the property, while others are not.
In the mental, emotional, and spiritual world, boundaries - although less easy to see - are just as real as in the physical world. They define our person, who we are and who we are not. We are the owners of everything inside these boundaries. We are free to do with it as we choose but we are also fully responsible for it. That is how God has designed us: we have been given a free will and many talents, but we are responsible for using God's gift wisely. We ``own'' our soul and that also means that we have to deal with what is in it. Proverbs 14:10 says:
Yes, we can share a lot with other people, but we are the only ones who really experience what is going on in our own heart. We are the only ones who can protect it from bad influences, we are the only ones who can nurture it with good things. God has entrusted us with a life for which we will later be held responsible. But how can we do that, if we don't understand what our boundaries are? That is why we need to learn from the Word of God, where our property begins and where it ends.
I have seen many people struggle with life, just because they do not take responsibility for their own life and expect others to step in instead. They blame others for what happens to them and even for what they do themselves. And at the same time they spend a lot of time and energy on other people for whom they feel responsible. It is no wonder that everyday life is difficult and painful for them. God told us to have self-control, not other-control. We are responsible for our life, not for the life of others.
At this point, people may ask: ``Doesn't the Bible tell us that we are responsible for each other? Doesn't it say that we should carry each other's load? How, then, can we have boundaries?''
Let me say a few words about responsibility. Yes we have the responsibility to carry each others burdens. Galatians 6:2 says
But only three verses later, in Galatians 6:5, the Word of God says that each one should carry his own load. That means we have to carry what belongs to us. That is what we are responsible for. Notice the difference between burden and load. A load is what we have to deal with on a daily basis, something that we can handle, even if this requires some effort - like a backpack that we take on a hike. No one should carry it for us. We have to take ownership of our everyday life and we are responsible for carrying the loads that come with it.
Problems arise, when people act as if their burdens are something they can carry alone and refuse help, or as if their daily loads were too heavy for them and something they shouldn't have to carry - or, conversely, if we refuse to help others in need or if we take away from others the load that they should carry themselves.1The results of these actions are either constant pain or chronic irresponsibility. If we want to avoid this for ourselves, we need to determine where our responsibility begins, and where it ends.
Boundaries do not only help us avoid pain or irresponsibility. They are also important for guarding and nurturing the soul that God entrusted us. They are like fences with a gate. You can control what comes in and what goes out. This is very important, because within us are many things that are very damaging to us
These are the things that must leave our property and we need the ability to let them go so that they cannot poison us anymore. If we find pain or sin within us we need to open up and communicate our innermost to God, so that he can heal and forgive us. But we must keep the gate shut closely when evil is present or if sin wants to enter our life in order to protect the good that is inside. Genesis 4:7 says
On the other hand, we need to be able to let our guards down when the danger is gone and open up for the good things outside. In Revelation 3:20 Jesus says
Other people may have good things to give to us as well and we need to open up to them.
So boundaries are not walls but they are no open range either. If we want to grow, we need to control what goes in and what goes out. But if we lack boundaries, we allow many bad things to enter our life and good things to be destroyed by them. We will be tossed around by the waves created by the world around us and experience a lot of problems, fears, and helplessness in our struggle against sin.
The concept of boundaries is also deeply embedded in God's person. God defines himself as distinct being, separate from his creation and from us. He clearly says what he is and what he is not. For instance, God is love (1. John 4:16) and not darkness (1. John 1:6). He cannot tolerate sin but invites people, who love him, into his kingdom.
When God made us in his likeness, he gave us responsibilities within limits. He
expects is to rule over the earth and to be responsible stewards over what
he has entrusted to us (Genesis 1:28). On the other hand, God respects the
boundaries of our personality and does not interfere with them, because he wants
us to be mature. He does not attempt to control our will or to run our life. He
lets us make mistakes even when our bad choices hurt him. But he wants us to be
free beings, free to choose between good and bad, because only in freedom we are
able to develop a genuine love for God. If we were puppets who cannot
choose differently, what could our love mean to him?
God designed his entire creation for freedom. We were not meant to be enslaved
by each other; we were meant to love each other freely. But when we turned away
from God, we lost our freedom. We became enslaved to sin, to self-centeredness,
to other people, to guilt, and to a whole host of other dynamics. But the Bible
tells us to set boundaries against such types of other-control and to become
free again. In Galatians 5:1 we read
Boundaries become particularly important in marriage, the closest of all human relationships. Love, freedom, responsibility, and protection are the cornerstones of a stable and growing relationship between man and woman.
Something incredible happens, when these ingredients work together. As love grows, spouses become more free from the things that enslave: self-centeredness, sinful patterns, past wounds, and other self-imposed limitations. As a result, they gain a greater sense of self-control and responsibility. Responsibility, again, increases love, and the cycle begins all over again. This is how marriage gets better and better as time goes on, instead of winding down after the excitement of the days of courtship changes into an everyday life together.
The key to all that is that both spouses take responsibility for their own issues instead of just reacting to the other, that they are not afraid of giving freedom to each other, and that they love the other person even when he or she does not deserve it at the time.
But where there is no freedom, there will be slavery and, as a result, rebellion. And where there is no responsibility there will be selfishness and bondage. And where we do not take ownership for what is ours, we will get stuck at a certain level in our relationship and will not be able to go deeper.
Let me illustrate this a by a few examples.
Spouses, who refuse to take ownership for their own feelings and behavior often end up in endless and meaningless arguments about all kinds of unimportant things. The book Boundaries in Marriage describes such a situation quite vividly.
I turned to Joe and asked, ``Why do you get so mad?''.
Without having to think for a second, he replied, ``Because she always tries to control me and my life.''
``Why do you try to control him?''
``Because he is so into his own things that I can't get his time or attention.''
``Why don't you pay attention to her?''
``Because she is so nagging and controlling - I just have to get away from her.''
``Why do you nag him?''
``Because he won't do anything I want''
This went on and on and the two didn't even notice the absurdity of their answers. Whenever they were asked ``Why do you ...?'', their immediate answer was always something about the other person. Neither of them ever took ownership of his or her behavior. In their minds, it was always ``caused'' by the other person.
Blaming somebody else for our own behavior is a sign of great immaturity -- and I say this although I am painfully aware of the fact that I fall into that trap myself more often than I want to. On the surface, it seems that we can get rid of the responsibility for our actions by blaming somebody else. But in reality we're just denying ourselves the chance of getting help, because we don't want to admit to ourselves and others that we failed. By putting the blame on our spouse, we hurt the person we love and who would be most willing to help us. But how can you help somebody who is not willing to accept ownership of the problem that needs to be solved?
If, however, we discover who is really responsible for what, we have an opportunity for change. If we learn to answer the question ``Why do you ...?'' with a ``Because I ...'', we will find out a lot about ourselves and the problems that are ours. That puts us in the driver's seat, because we will learn not just to react to our spouse, but to act lovingly no matter what our partner is doing. We may need to change some attitudes, behaviors, reactions, or choices - maybe even work on our feelings instead of having them control us.
We must actively participate in the resolution of whatever relational problem we might have, even if it is not our fault. Responsibility tells us that we are the ones who must work through our feelings. Our attitudes - not those of our spouse - cause us to feel distressed and helpless. How we behave and react is part of the problem. We allow ourselves to get pushed beyond certain limits and then become resentful. We are the ones who do not turn desires into accomplished goals or cannot let go of sick desires. And we - and only we - are the ones who have to initiate the change in us. Responsibility empowers us to experience growth in our marriage. But if we refuse it and wait for the other to change first, we will never see any progress.
Another problematic constellation in a marriage occurs if one partner has not become mature in a certain area of life and the other feels obliged to always rescue him or her. Typical examples for this situation are an overspending wife or a husband who doesn't want to help with the housework. The spouse of such a person usually goes through a lot of trouble keeping the family out of debt or the house clean and - as a result - feels severely restricted in his freedom and eventually becomes resentful. The situation is similar with a husband who doesn't want to help with the housework
The problem here is not just the immaturity of one spouse, but also the fact that the other one allows himself to become a victim of such a behavior actually enables it out of fear that setting limits would endanger the relationship. However, while setting limits might cause a temporary stir that we have to endure, the lack of freedom that we experience from not setting limits will prevent our relationship from going deeper.
Finally, there is the aspect of protection. Boundaries shall guard the good and not let evil destroy it. Sadly enough, in some marriages - even in Christian ones - the protective boundaries have to be raised against your own spouse because of an abusive situation. If the abused spouse takes on the role of the silent sufferer and waits for a miraculous change in the other one, the situation will usually get worse, as love grows colder and colder. If you want to save such a marriage, you can't allow your spouse to abuse you. If he does not experience the consequences of his behavior, the chances for a change are very slim. I am not talking about a divorce here - that is not an option - but about firm limits that protect yourself, your children, and ultimately your marriage from a destructive cycle.
In 1. Corinthians 5:3-6 Paul gives a similar recommendation for dealing with a man who refuses to let go of a severe sin:
Letting the sinner experience the full consequences of his sin may be the last chance to save him. If you stop enabling him, he may wake up, realize what he is doing, and eventually repent. This is what true love is - tough love in this case - because you do what is best for him and not what he likes. I know that it is very difficult to find the appropriate measure and you shouldn't attempt this without a lot of prayer and counseling. But if you do set limits, the chances for saving your marriage and rekindling the first love are much higher than if you don't.
Responsibility, freedom, and protection are necessary for a stable and growing relationship. Love can only exist where these ingredients are operating. But where love can grow, it creates more freedom that leads to more responsibility, which in turn leads to more and more ability to love and a much deeper relationship.
So far we have discussed the nature of boundaries and their role in developing healthy relationships. However, in order to be able to take ownership for what is is ours, we must identify what is within our boundaries. What are the things for which only we are responsible? What is it that only we can control and protect?
But feelings can also motivate us to do good where common sense might have kept us from doing so. The Good Samaritan's compassion, as described in Luke 10:33, moved him to help the injured Israelite. The prodigal son's father was filled with compassion for his lost son (Luke 15:20). Jesus so often was filled with compassion for the people around him Matthew 9:36, 15:32.
Feelings come from our heart and tell us something about the state of our relationships. Positive feelings indicate that things probably go well, negative ones - like anger, depression, or hurt - show us that there is a problem that must be addressed. Feelings should never be ignored - nor should they be allowed to have control over us. Instead, we are responsible for our feelings. They are our problem, not that of others, and we have to find the answer to whatever they are pointing to.
Many people with attitude problems believe that it is wrong to hold people responsible for their feelings, choices, and behaviors (God's view is expressed in Proverbs 13:18,24). Therefore they tend to blame others for the consequences of their own actions - an attitude that goes back to the very beginnings of mankind. In Genesis 3:11-13 we read
But God doesn't listen to such lame excuses. He holds each person responsible for what he or she does - regardless of what others did. He punishes the serpent, Eve, and Adam. Listen to what he says in Genesis 3:17:
Yes Adam, I see that your wife gave you the fruit of the tree to eat - but the fact that she failed to obey my command is no excuse for what you did.
Our attitudes and convictions fall within our property line. We are the ones who will feel their effect and we are the only ones who can change them. Others may have influenced them, but the responsibility is ours.
If we value things that have no lasting value, we will pursue many things that will not satisfy us but only give us a desire for more. We only want a little more of what we desire, and believe that we will be content once we get it. But we will never get there, because our heart always asks for more.
Only when we take responsibility for our values and ask ourselves ``are these the values that I want to have'', we can realize the futility of such an attempt and confess that we have a heart that values the wrong things. Only then we are ready to receive help from God to ``create a new heart'' within us.
Taking ownership of our minds and thoughts means checking out whether we may be wrong, instead of believing that we are always right in our judgment of other people. As we gather new information our thinking adapts and grows closer to reality.
Taking ownership of our thoughts also means that we are responsible for communicating them to others. Some people believe that their spouses should be able to read their minds and know what they want. But this only leads to frustration. I have never ever met a person who can truly read the mind of anybody else. The Bible clearly says that this is impossible.
The problem is, that people have always tried to break out of this natural law of sowing and reaping. And apparently some succeeded in doing so. But this can only happen if someone interrupts the law in another's life. A lazy, selfish, or pleasure-seeking person should experience the consequences of his behavior. But parents often protect their children from actually reaping these consequences. As adults, these children will have severe problems taking control of their life. They do not understand that their problems are just the natural consequences of their behavior and not caused by some bad luck or by people who ``don't like them''.
We must learn to accept the responsibility for our behavior. No one else can control it, but we can.
In today's life, we often try to disown our choice by saying ``I had to'' or ``I cannot'', instead of honestly stating ``I decided to'' or ``I do not want''. We try to push the responsibility for our choices to somebody else or to the circumstances. As a result, we often feel pressed into making decisions that we don't like. God doesn't want that. In 2. Corinthians 9:7 Paul writes
It may be easier to follow the trend or the people around us, just
because we won't stand out so much then. But this will certainly not
give us the fulfilled life we desire. Whether we feel it or not, we have
to realize that we are in control of our choices. If we do so,
we will make fewer decisions that we will later regret, and more choices
that we will be happy with on the long run.
We can and have to, however, set limits on our own exposure to other people.2 This is necessary both for our own protection against evil influences and for the protection of our own freedom. Our model is God. He doesn't use his power to make us ``behave'', but he certainly separates himself from sinful people. As long as they don't repent, there is no space for them in heaven. Scripture tells us to do the same, that is to limit our exposure to sinful people. In Matthew 18:15-17 we read
and in 2. Corinthians 6:17
Separation doesn't mean we consider ourselves to be ``above'' these people or that we don't even talk to them anymore. But it does limit their influence on us.
In the same way, we need to set proper limits on ourselves to protect ourselves from being controlled by desires, feelings, impulsive reactions etc, without having to suppress these entirely. We need spaces inside ourselves where feelings, desires, impulses, etc. can exist freely. But we must limit the extent to which we are acting them out. Most people in this country have severe difficulties with that and therefore fall into one or the other extreme. Worldly people tend to give in to their feelings and desires too quickly, Christians tend to suppress them completely - both does not lead to a healthy, balanced life. What we need is self-control without repression and we are the only ones who can make that happen.
Then he which had received the one talent came and said, Lord, I knew thee that thou art an hard man, reaping where thou hast not sown, and gathering where thou hast not strawed: And I was afraid, and went and hid thy talent in the earth: lo, there thou hast that is thine. His lord answered and said unto him, Thou wicked and slothful servant, thou knewest that I reap where I sowed not, and gather where I have not strawed: Thou oughtest therefore to have put my money to the exchangers, and then at my coming I should have received mine own with usury. Take therefore the talent from him, and give it unto him which hath ten talents.
Our talents are clearly within our boundaries. Yet, taking ownership of them is often frightening and sometimes risky. Nevertheless, God holds us accountable for what we do with them. Are we exercising our gift and being productive - or do we hide our talents because we fear failure? God wants us to use our talents. If we do not confront our fear of failure and practice, learn, and try the best we can, we insult the one who gave us our talents, that is God.
However, we have to use our gifts wisely. There is no use in trying to accomplish things that God didn't intend us to do. Don't take on any task just to make sure that you will not be called ``lazy'' - because then you will surely miss out on the things that God really wanted you to do. It is a question of proper balance.
God is truly interested in our desires. He has made them and He will fulfil the desire of them that fear him (Psalm 145:19).3God gives generously, but like any wise parent, he wants to make sure that his gifts are right for us. He doesn't give us something that only feeds our pride or enhances our ego. But if we ask for what is good for us, he is very interested (see Matthew 7:7-10).
We are responsible for our desires. We need to find out what our desires are and what really satisfies us. These desires are our own and probably very different from those of others. We need to pursue these desires and distinguish them from what what does not satisfy us. Proverbs 13:19 says:
Filling our spiritual need is our own responsibility. Nobody else can do that for us - not our pastor, not our Sunday School teacher, and not even our spouse. These people may be able to give us advice and assistance, but in the end our relationship with God depends solely on us. We are the ones who need to find time for communicating with God in a way that we actually enjoy.
The bible tells us to love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, and mind and to love our neighbor as ourselves. Our heart needs an inflow as well as an outflow of love. If we haven't exercised this, we feel weak in the same way our body would feel weak due to a lack of physical exercise. We need to take responsibility for our heart and train it to give love and to respond to the love that others desire to give us. If we don't, we will feel terribly lonely even in the most loving environment.
This means, for instance, that we should eat properly - make sure that we give our body the nutrition it needs and not just junk food. Yes, we have the right to enjoy all the good things that God provided for our body on this earth, but we shouldn't eat, drink, or smoke substances that are damaging to your body. And in particular, we should not overfeed it. In this country, where 55% of the population is overweight and 1/4 of all adults are considered obese, we have to be especially aware of the seduction of food and physical laziness.
So we should make sure that our body gets proper exercise. It will be thankful for that 20 years later. But on the other hand we must not abuse our body by putting unreasonable loads on it. A man of 150 pounds may be able to lift 200 pounds regularly for whatever purpose when he is young, but trying the same at the age of 40 may create lasting damages.
Also, we shouldn't use pain relievers on a regular basis without seeing a doctor. Pain is usually an indicator that something is wrong. If we suppress these warning signals and keep on with unhealthy habits, we may seriously damage our health.
We could go on and on. Usually common sense will tell us what is beneficial for our body and what is not. But the demands of today's society often create situations where we act against our common sense.
God may not have given you the same healthy, strong body as others. But if you take care of what you do have, you will be able to enjoy it much better.
For all the above areas we need to take responsibility if we want to have a balanced and healthy life. They lie within our boundaries and, apart from giving us some help, nobody else can take care of them. Taking care of what is inside our boundaries is not easy. In fact, setting and maintaining boundaries is hard work. But it is a type of work that leads to spiritual growth, deeper relationships, and a much more satisfied life.
How then, do we protect our invisible property lines? What are the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual means we can use to set boundaries and exercise limits? Let us look at a few examples.
No is a confrontational word, which makes it difficult for some people to use. They fear that confrontations will endanger their relationship with other people and rather give in to the control or demands of others. But the Bible says that we should confront the people we love and tell them ``This behavior is not okay and I will not participate in that.'' Many passages, like Matthew 18:15-17, urge us to say no to other's sinful treatment of us. Complying with what is going on ``for the sake of peace'' is just the opposite of love. If we desire a healthy relationship with our spouse, we have to learn to use boundary-setting words and to accept them as well. Do we actually do that?
However, we also have to let other people know, where we stand and, what we believe, what we like, and what we want. If we don't use words to define our property, other people will find it difficult to know who we are and what we like and dislike. Don't expect that they see this without you telling them.
When you read that and that a man reaps what he sows (Galatians 6:7) you can either accept that and consider the
consequences of your plans and actions, or try to go your own way and
get injured. When you read that you
In addition to accepting God's truth, it is necessary to be honest and truthful about ourselves. Otherwise we give others a false impression of who we are and how their actions affect us. For instance, if a wife gets hurt by her husband's behavior and she acts happy and loving, he will not find out that he did something wrong and that in reality she is feeling miserable inside. Her insincerity causes more damage to the marriage than his behavior. Paul writes in Ephesians 4:25
Have you ever become aware of giving your spouse a false impression of your feelings or your perspective on the relationship? If so, you should ask yourself why you chose to do so and whether the long-term consequences were actually beneficial for your marriage.
In a marriage, physical distance helps you to remove yourself from an argument in order to cool down, recover your senses, and to sort things out before you get together again. But make sure that the latter actually happens, since otherwise the physical distance may lead to a separation between you and your spouse.
Getting away from others also gives you an opportunity to replenish yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually after you have given to your limit. Jesus often went into solitude for that reason and from time to time we need to do the same - both as individuals and as couples.
Married couples, in particular parents need times where they are just by themselves - without children, family members, or friends - to build up their relationship, sort out mistakes from the past, and create new ways relating to each other. Ecclesiastes 3:1, 5-7 says
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
You should not continue to set yourself up for hurt and disappointment
by blindly trusting a spouse who has repeatedly broken your trust. That
doesn't mean you shouldn't forgive, but you may have to say things like
Emotional distance, however, should not be confused with revenge. It must be a conscious, carefully weighed, and talked-about choice. Most of all it requires a pure heart to make sure that this boundary serves love and not some impure motives in us. Otherwise, it will only make the conflict worse instead of resolving it.
Just as the Bible sets consequences for certain behaviors (cf. Deuteronomy 30:15-20), we need to back up our boundaries with consequences - otherwise people will find out that they can overstep them whenever they want to. In an ideal world, people would accept your boundaries without any threat of consequences. But parents are painfully aware of the fact that children usually do not accept boundaries if they are not ``enforced''. It is the very nature of children to test their limits and your seriousness about certain boundaries. And many adults are not much better in that respect.
If you experience that your boundaries are not respected you need to announce consequences and - even more important - follow through with them. How many young adult lives could have been turned around if parents had followed through with their threat ``no more money if you quit another job without further employment''. How many marriages could have been saved if one spouse had followed through with the threat ``if you don't stop drinking (or hitting me), I will leave you until you get some treatment!''. Sometimes the consequences appear severe, but they may be necessary if there is no other way to deal with a serious trespass. In 2. Thessalonians 3:10 Paul commands
God does not enable irresponsible behavior and we shouldn't do this either. Of course, the consequences for trespassing a boundary should be appropriate and never be a revenge for bad behavior. For instance, you may
However, we have to keep in mind that consequences need to be announced in time to give the other a chance to change. This is what God had in mind with the city of Niniveh, when he announced its destruction in the book of Jonah. Because the people changed he did not have to follow through with his threat anymore. The purpose of a consequence is to let people know the seriousness of the trespass, not to punish them. This teaches them that we are committed to live according to helpful values, which we will protect and guard.
Friends can help us to resolve conflicts. Counselors and pastors can give us new input and teaching that helps us to work on difficult issues. In support groups we can find healing and strength. And in extreme cases third parties can offer us shelter and help us find to protect and support ourselves.
Most importantly, other people are there to let us know that we are not alone and that our spouse are not the only source of love in the world. However, we have to make sure that other people are helping and not adding to the problem by intruding into our relationship. The purpose of seeking other people is not to hide or run away from the conflict but to resolve it.
By now we should have understood that setting boundaries is important both for the development of individual persons and for growth in a relationship. Nevertheless, many Christians have severe difficulties with setting and maintaining boundaries, partially because they believe boundaries to be directed against all a Christian values and partially because they are afraid of the consequences. Therefore we have to deal with some common myths about boundaries, that sound so true but nevertheless have little to do with reality.
This objection against setting boundaries is raised by Christians who fear being considered as self-centered, interested only in their own concerns and not those of others. They rightly point out that we are to be loving people, concerned for the welfare of others. In fact, the love for one another is the number one hallmark of Christians, as pointed out in the Bible over and over again (Matthew 19:19 & 22:19, Luke 10:27, John 13:35, Romans 13:10, Galatians 5:14, James 2:8). Don't boundaries turn us away from that ideal toward self-centeredness?
Quite the opposite is true. Appropriate boundaries actually make us able to care about others. In fact, people with highly developed limits are the most caring people in the world. How can this be?
Basically it is because they experience that their own needs are taken care of, so they have plenty of energy to care about others.
We all have needs, desires, and wishes. Selfishness only looks at our own wishes and desires, but not at what we really need. As a consequence, we lose balance and our focus on healthy goals and our responsibility to love others. For instance, some may desperately need help with the fact that they are terrible listeners or that they cannot share their possessions. But they may not desire this. God is much more interested in meeting our needs than granting all our wishes.
Nevertheless, although God takes care of our need, he expects our participation. It is our responsibility to ask, seek, and knock (Matthew 7:7), before we can receive, find, and get doors opened. There will be little spiritual and emotional growth if we do not bring our needs before God and do everything we can to get these needs fulfilled. Taking care of our own life is stewardship, not selfishness, because because we properly manage this precious gift from God instead of neglecting it due to a lack of boundaries.
Quite a few Christians fear that setting and keeping limits is a signal of rebellion and disobedience. They believe that saying no to something good is an expression of an unresponsive heart, so they participate in almost every Church activity that comes along. But in fact, doing so has no genuine spiritual or emotional value. If we don't give freely and cheerfully but rather out of a sense of duty, our heart is not in it and this is not what God wants (recall 2. Corinthians 9:7).
What do we achieve with complying outwardly while becoming resentful on the inside? What is the value of a half-hearted yes where we would love to say no but are afraid to do so? God is much more concerned with our heart than with our outward compliance.
Can boundaries be a sign of disobedience? They sure are, if we say no to good things for wrong and selfish reasons, and therefore we should always check our motives for saying no. But a lack of boundaries is even worse, because it leads to dishonesty and resentment and ultimately to disobedience and rebellion.
When people begin setting boundaries, telling the truth, and taking responsibility for the first time, they often seem to be surrounded by an ``angry cloud''. As they become more sensitive to situations where boundaries are not respected, they discover that they have become touchy and easily offended and that confuses and frightens them. We may experience that as one of the early results of this study.
So, do boundaries cause anger in us? Absolutely not. If we see it that way, we misunderstand our emotions, and anger specifically. Emotions are signals that are supposed to tell us something. For instance, fear tells us to move away from danger, while anger urges us to confront a threat. A biblical example of how this feeling works is Jesus' rage at the defilement of the temple in John 2:14-17.
Angry feelings serve as a warning system, telling us that we are in danger of being injured, controlled, or manipulated. That's why we get so angry at telemarketers. But that is not all. While fear tells us to withdraw (because it is better to do so), anger gives us the energy to move forward and protect what needs to protected.
However, anger doesn't just disappear when the danger is over. It needs to be worked through appropriately. Otherwise it stays within us for years. It is the anger of years of nos that were never said, never respected, and never listened to, which surfaces when we first look at boundary violations that we never knew to exist before. We shouldn't be surprised if we detect this in ourselves and there is no reason to be frightened of these feelings.
Of course, we shouldn't just let them out. Instead we should bring them to God so that we may be healed instead of keeping all that hostility buried in our souls. Only then can we begin to protect our treasures in a proper way, that is firmly but without negative emotions. The more biblical our boundaries become, the less anger will we experience. We don't need anger if we are in control of our life and values and see our needs met.
Setting boundaries with people who don't like limitations is always complicated. Many people don't like it when we present different opinions and arguments. They may become angry at us and attack or withdraw from us. Even Jesus had to deal with that, for instance in Matthew 19:16-22 when he had to let a rich young man go away, or during his permanent conflicts with the Pharisees.
Does that mean we should treat people softer just because they hate limits? Should we refrain from telling the truth and rather twist it a bit to make it easier to swallow? Is it more important for us that all people love us than living in truth? Jesus says in Luke 6:26:
There are people in the world who love the truth and and accept limits, because they realize the chance for growth. But others resent differences, try to manipulate us into giving up our boundaries, and reject us if we don't. If we try to please all people, including those who hate boundaries, we will end up bending the truth. Jesus says in Luke 6:27 that we should do good to those who hate us. But that does not mean we should do everything they want.
But what, if that boundary-hating person is our own spouse? Shall we comply just to keep the peace in our relationship? Or should we rather endure his or her bad temper and even risk that he or she walks out on us? We may have to risk that if we want our relationship to survive. If we give in all the time our relationship will become more and more shallow and distant. It is better to discover the true character of our spouse and take steps to fix the problem than to leave the problem unresolved.
Will we get hurt for setting boundaries? Very likely! But if our boundaries are being rooted in love (Ephesians 3:18), there is a good chance that our relationship will eventually become much deeper and and closer than ever before.
Occasionally setting boundaries will result in disappointing other people whom we value and like to see happy.
Shouldn't we help these people anyway? Don't we hurt others by setting boundaries? It depends on how we see boundaries. Do we view them as offensive weapon and setting boundaries as attacking and hurting people?
Nothing could be further from the truth. Boundaries are a defensive tool that prevent our treasures to be taken at the wrong time and for the wrong purpose. Saying no to others may cause them some discomfort, because they have to look elsewhere. But it does not cause injury.
It is not our responsibility to get the need of others met. We can and shall do so freely if we have the resources and don't enable irresponsibility. But we don't have the duty to take the daily load of everybody else. Even when someone has a valid problem, there may be times when we have to send them away because there are more important things that we need to take care of. Again, we should take Jesus as our example. Although he performed many miracles, he didn't heal everybody who was sick. He often withdrew from the crowd to be alone with the father (see, e.g. Matthew 14:22-23). In certain cases, we must allow others to take responsibility for their own loads and look elsewhere to get their needs met, or to deal with them themselves.
Obviously, we may also be the ones who get turned down. That is why we should develop several supportive relationships instead of having just God and one best friend. That allows our friends to be human, to be busy or unavailable at times, to have problems of their own, or just to have time alone. They don't become enslaved by us, if know that we can go to someone else.
Some people have difficulties with setting boundaries because of bad experiences with boundaries that were set on them. Having to accept the boundaries of others is certainly not pleasant, because no one really enjoys hearing the word no. But why is it sometimes such a big problem to accept boundaries?
We should never do that, because it hurts our spiritual and emotional freedom and development. Essentially you have given the control of your life and the responsibility for it to your spouse. Just imagine that person would die tonight in a car accident - where would you go? It is your responsibility to develop more than just one deep, significant relationship and give your spouse the freedom to say no to you without guilt.
Can we be hurt by somebody else setting boundaries on us? This is certainly possible, but not necessarily bad, if it helps us to grow by correcting something that needs to be fixed. In 2. Corinthians 7:8-9 Paul writes
One of the major obstacles to setting boundaries with others in our lives is our feeling of obligation. Don't we owe a lot to our parents and anyone else who has been loving towards us? So how can we ever say no to them when they are in need? Don't we then abuse their generosity?
Saying no to someone who has been kind to us is difficult, because it stirs up feelings of guilt. We feel that because we have received something we now owe something. Nothing could be more wrong than that. If we receive something as gift - love, money, efforts, or time - we should accept it as what it is: a gift with no obligations. All that is really needed is gratitude for something that was provided out of love. Period!
But many people have their difficulties with free gifts. They believe that they always have to give something in return. And so they never leave home, never switch jobs or friends, and never change churches even when it would be an otherwise mature move. In extreme cases people don't even want to accept gifts anymore because they don't have the time or money for a return gift. This is really twisted thinking. Free gifts are to be accepted with thankfulness, not with a feeling of debt.
Actually, the commercial world uses the fact that so many people have difficulties to accept free gifts as part of a marketing strategy. They first offer you something for free and after you have taken it, they ask you to buy their products. And we fall into that trap because the person who gave us that gift ``went through so many efforts''. Is that our problem? The gift was free and we have no obligation whatsoever for taking it.
Of course, there are always people who do not give selflessly but only for the purpose of getting something from us. You can always tell the difference by how they react to your sincere thanks. If the giver is hurt or angered, then the gift was not intended to be a gift but a loan or investment. If the gratitude is enough, you probably received a gift with no strings attached.
In Revelation 2 God does an instructive job of keeping the issues of gratitude and boundaries separate. In the letters to the churches at Ephesus, Pergamum, and Thyatira he begins by praising their accomplishments, then tells that that nevertheless he has something against them, and finally confronts their irresponsibilities. He doesn't allow his boundaries to be nullified by his gratitude and neither should we.
Some people have difficulties setting boundaries because they are afraid of being different from others or even becoming a social ``outcast''. Thus they avoid everything that makes them appear separate from others.
Although ``going with the crowd'' appears to make life easier it also makes us give up our individuality. But that is not the way God designed us. He has put a lot of work into each of us (Psalms 139:14). He has given us a free will and the responsibility to make the choices that determine our life ourselves. God does not want us to become mere puppets of somebody else or to become undistinguishable from the environment. This becomes quite obvious in 2. Corinthians 6:14-18, where Paul talks about our relation to unbelievers.
Do boundaries make us different? They sure do. But most people will eventually respect and even appreciate that you take a stand on things instead of being undistinguishable from everybody else.
Many people fear that a boundary once set cannot be removed anymore and thus creates a permanent gap between them and others. So they are afraid of losing friends by creating boundaries.
But boundaries are set by us and completely under our control. We can and have to adjust our boundaries once we know that our property line will be respected. There are many biblical precedents for renegotiated boundaries. For instance, God chose not to destroy Niniveh when the city repented (Jonah 3:10), and Paul requested Mark's companionship in 2. Timothy 4:11 although 2 years earlier he had refused to take him on his mission trip (Acts 15:37-39), because at that time Mark had not been reliable enough.
Boundaries do not prevent closeness. On the contrary, they lead to maturity and eventually to much closer relationships between us and others. We may experience that immature people temporarily become distant when we set boundaries. We may even lose some so-called friends who cannot accept boundaries. But these friendships wouldn't have been beneficial for us anyway.
All the above myths are genuine misconceptions. We may have learned from
distorted teachings or developed them ourselves because of our fear of standing
up and saying no to unbiblical ``responsibility''. If we find ourselves ensnared
and entangled by them, we should prayerfully review our value system, compare
it to God's truth, and ask God to adjust it according to his will.
Boundaries, as we have seen, provide the freedom that we need for our spiritual growth and our ability to give and receive love. Most people, however, have problems with boundaries, because setting appropriate boundaries is not easy and respecting the boundaries of others is equally difficult. In this section we will study the main types of boundary problems and the reasons why people experience them.
Recall that the central function of boundaries is to protect our soul from bad influences while allowing it to be nurtured by what God provides for us. They shall keep the bad out and let the good in. They enable us to say ``no'' to the things that are not beneficial for us and to accept what is good for us. There are four possible types of problems that people can have with boundaries, illustrated by the following table.
| Difficulty | Saying | Accepting |
| No | Compliant | Controller |
| Yes | Nonresponsive | Avoidant |
Remember when we talked about loads and burdens. According to Galatians 6:2 we are to help each other carrying the huge boulders that life occasionally throws at us. But Galatians 6:5 reminds us to carry our daily loads ourselves. Compliants always find themselves carrying the daily loads of others because they can't say no, while controllers try to make others carry even their daily. In contrast to that avoidants attempt to shoulder even the heaviest burdens themselves because they have difficulty to say yes to help, while nonresponsives even refuse to help when the other's burden clearly becomes unbearable.
We will now look at these four types of problems in detail. One should, however, keep in mind that some people may have problems in several of these areas at once. People can be compliant, avoiding, and controlling at the same time.
The most obvious type of boundary problems is the difficulty to say no to others. Children, in particular girls, often grow up in an environment that teaches them that saying no is bad and that giving in to the demands of others means avoiding conflicts. Of course, parents have to teach their children obedience and good manners. But often they neglect the fact that some day they will send their children into a world that contains much evil. Evil in the form of controlling and manipulative people and in the form of temptations.
To feel safe in such a world, children need to have the power to say things like ``I disagree'', ``I will not'', ``Stop that'', ``This is wrong'', ``It hurts'', or ``I don't like it''. Blocking a child's ability to say no even to its own parents will handicap that child for life, because as an adult it will still say yes to everything.
Christian women are probably the ones that are most strongly affected by this type of boundary conflict, because they were trained to be submissive and obedient and grow up feeling that in some sense they are inferior to men. Despite all the ``revolutions'' of the 20th century we still live in a patriarchal society that often twists our understanding of the Bible's teaching on the role of men and women. As a result, Christian women tend to say yes more often - even to unreasonable demands - and to accept even abusive situations as God-given and unchangeable.
This is not what God tells you to do. Matthew 18:15-17 is pretty clear about this.
Why?
There are two reasons - one concerning the other person and one concering yourself. First of all, you may actually persuade the other person and make him turn away from his sin. And by this you will gain him back as friend. Secondly, you prevent yourself from becoming resentful. If you remain silent about a sin committed against you, you will harbour negative feelings - first against the other person, then about yourself. And if the sin repeats over and over again, you'll find out that you can't forgive anymore, because forgiveness without repentence is very difficult. Eventually, your negative feelings will begin to ``eat you up'' and affect your whole personality.
Proverbs 4:23 says that you have a responsibility to guard your own heart with all diligence. So you have to do something about the sin committed against you. And this begins by saying no to it.
What, however, should you do if this no is not respected? If we read on, we see that Jesus describes a clear path.
And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. (v.16-17)
Every step aims at reconciliation, if that is possible. But if he refuses to listen, you have to take more explicit measures. Jesus does not say ``if he does not listen, forget about it''. He says ``treat him as if he were an unbeliever'' and that means keeping a certain amount of distance from him. This does not only protect you from his sinful influence, but also gives him a chance to come back to his senses. In 1. Corinthians 5:3-5 Paul describes the purpose of separating from a sinful brother, namely that his spirit may be saved. If we tolerate sin, there is little chance that the sinner will change.
Strangely enough our churches are quick to pass judgment on people living in sexual sin while they tolerate almost all other kinds of sin. But Jesus does not make that distinction. If a brother does not want to let go of sin - and the emphasis is on does not want - we are to separate ourselves from him.
Compliance, however, makes people melt into the demands and needs of others. Compliant people can't stand distinct from people who want something from them. They minimize their differences with others to avoid confrontations and out of fear that others may not think well of them if they are different. Compliants are like chameleons. You can never rely on them to stand out for a long time. After a while, it becomes hard to distinguish them from the environment.
But compliance does not only keep us from refusing evil in our lives. After a while we become used to it and eventually even fail to recognize evil. Many people who live in dangerous or abusive relationships also live in constant denial. They find excuses for their spouse's behavior or even blame the situation on themselves. Their spiritual and emotional radar is broken; their ability to guard their heart is almost gone. And so is their ability to protect themselves by saying no. This happens for a number of reasons.
The last reason is often experienced by people with an overstrict, critical conscience. They condemn themselves (and sometimes others) for things God himself doesn't condemn them for. Since their conscience is weak, it is defiled, as Paul expresses it in 1. Corinthians 8:7. Afraid to confront their unbiblical and critical inner ``parent'', they become unable to confront others by saying no because this would cause more guilt.
Compliance needs to be distinguished from biblical compassion. In Hosea 6:6 and Matthew 9:13 God desires from us compassion, and not sacrifice. Compassion comes from the inside. We decide to give of ourselves to others. In contrast to that compliance is only on the outside. Compliants take on too many responsibilities and accept too many bad things - not by choice, but because they are afraid.
Boundaries, as we have discussed a while ago, shall not only keep the bad out but they shall also let the good in that our soul and spirit so desperately need. But some people have problems with that. Their boundaries are like walls, originally intended as protection, but now so strong that they let nothing in at all - neither the bad nor the good. No one can reach inside. No one can touch.
Avoidants are unable to accept the love and care that others want to give them. When they are in need, they withdraw so as not to let others see their needs. Although they deeply desire somebody else to step in and rescue them they are unable to ask for help. Their wall is just too strong.
Christians are particularly good in masquerading this type of behavior with religious terminology. They say (to themselves and others): ``My issues are nothing compared to what others deal with. It would be selfish to bother others with my little struggles. The Lord expects me to deal with them myself ...so let's not talk about them.'' Of course, the problems we're dealing with may seem insignificant when others have to face cancer and heart surgery or have lost their jobs. But nevertheless, we do need the help and love of others even if we appear strong on the outside.
God designed our personal boundaries to have gates, so that we can enjoy safe and close relationships with Him as well as with other people. But as it is our responsibility to shut these gates in the presence of evil, it is our responsibility to open them in times of need. Revelation 3:20 says
Men in particular often completely ignore their emotional needs, because they want to maintain their self-image as strong and independent person. They claim to have all they need even if they feel a certain emptiness inside. After a while they get used to that and they don't even recognize anymore that they are in desperate need of help. The wall has become too strong to let anything in or out.
Our western society contributes a lot to this behavior. We can talk about everything except for what is going on inside us. We don't want to be seen as weak. And when others ask us ``How are you?'' we do not dare to give an honest answer because we don't expect them to listen anyway - so we simply say ``fine'' even if our heart is ready to break. And, unfortunately, the other's respect for our privacy has become so great that they do not ask further questions even if it is quite obvious to them that our ``fine'' is far away from the truth.
Sometimes I wish, we wouldn't let each other get away with that.
Some people can be compliants and avoidants at the same time. They suffer from what could be called reverse boundaries. They have boundaries where they shouldn't have them and lack boundaries where they need them. They cannot say no to the demands of others but are unable to receive the support they so readily offer to others. They are stuck in a cycle of feeling drained, because they give themselves up for others. As a consequence they constantly lose energy and have nothing to replace it.
Setting appropriate boundaries is not easy. But it would be much easier if other people would respect them. But for some people our no is simply a challenge to change our mind. We all know them as salesmen and telemarketers, for whom a no means maybe and maybe means yes. While this may be productive in learning to sell a product, it can wreak havoc on a relationship.
Controllers have problems hearing and respecting other people's boundaries. They constantly violate these boundaries and are often viewed as bullies, manipulative and aggressive. The primary problem here is that these people resist taking responsibility for their own lives and try to give it to others instead. They use various means of control to make others carry the load intended by God to be their's alone by making it appear as a burden that needs to be shouldered by others as well. And because there are so many compliants in this world they always find somebody to pitch in for their irresponsibility.
Controllers come in two types: aggressive and manipulative controllers
These people have their good sides. They often accomplish what others wouldn't even dare to try. Sometimes you see them do astonishing things - just because they don't worry so much about what others think. But you also see them as religious fanatics or bosses who appear like slave drivers to their employees.
One good example is Peter. He was the one who dared to stand up and say what he believed. He was the first to confess Jesus as the Christ, he was the one who dared to address the crowd at Pentecost - untrained as he was. But he also had a lot of problems accepting boundaries. Remember John 13:6-10, where Peter refused the Lord to wash his feet, or Mark 8:31-33, when Jesus talked about his upcoming death and resurrection. Peter actually rebuked the Lord for that, because he didn't want to accept what Jesus had said.
Of course, the Lord did not give in to what Peter had said. But he had to confront Peter's violation of his boundaries quite strongly.
Aggressive controllers have character traits that we sometimes can only admire. But they also have a big problem. They need to learn that their way is not the only way and that others have a right to have different opinions - even if they are wrong. They must learn to accept what others are saying. If they want others to change, they have to convince th