just when you thought it was safe to venture back into the bayou , along comes the return of swamp thing , part monster movie , part parody , wholly ( if not intentionally ) awful . not since king kong and godzilla first slugged it out atop mount fuji has there been a more laughable -- or more ludicrous -- man-in-a-monster-suit movie . the first film of the summer season to be based on a character from a d . c . comic , the return of swamp thing plays it strictly for laughs . in wes craven's original 1983 horror flick , swamp thing was portrayed as a sad , tormented creature , the hideous result of research gone awry . in this , its purported sequel , swamp thing has been transformed into a superhero , ridding the swamp of botched genetic experiments and rushing to the aid of damsels in distress . one such damsel is the exquisitely untalented heather locklear . locklear , who should stick to making health spa ads , is cast as abby arcane , stepdaughter of scientist-gone-mad anton arcane ( played once again by louis jourdan in the scenery-chewing role of the century ) . abby visits her creepy stepfather in his heavily guarded louisiana mansion in order to discover what really happened to her mother all those many moons ago . arcane isn't telling , but somehow you get the feeling that she didn't pass away under normal circumstances ! realizing that abby's rare blood type holds the key to his fountain-of-youth elixir , arcane and his beautiful henchwoman dr . lana zurrell ( played with campy panache by sarah douglas ) immediately have diabolical designs on the ditzy blonde , family ties or no family ties . from the opening scene , we learn that abby has a very special relationship with plants . not only does she call her succulents down-to-earth names like " jimmy " and " mary , " but she holds entire , one-sided conversations with them . this is , i guess , just so we know that , come the time when she and swamp thing inevitably meet , she's going to be able to relate to him , woman to vegetable . sure enough , this encounter takes place when swamp thing rescues abby from a pair of lecherous moonshiners . barely batting a false eyelash at this living lump of lichen , abby immediately senses the " soul of a wonderful human being " beneath that mossy exterior . extraordinary as it might seem , it's love at first sight . to pad out its ninety-minute length , the film introduces a stereotypically pudgy , twinkie-eating white kid and his precocious black pal , who are in the movie to try and photograph the fibroid avenger for commercial gain . in actual fact , they're in the film to be laughed at , even though they do get to say some real neat lines like " swamp thing's kicking some butt ! " they also get to give the leafy fellow complimentary thumbs up from time to time , just so we know who the good guy is . everybody in the film overacts like crazy , and these two obnoxious youngsters are no exception . it's hard to dislike a film as good-natured as this one is , especially in an industry rife with gratuitous sex and violence . sure , the film does have its explosive moments ( courtesy the five-and-dime " special " effects ) , but ne'er a drop of blood is spilled throughout . and there are ample opportunities for nudity -- locklear and douglas weren't employed solely for their acting abilities -- but none ensue . abby and her new found beau do get to express their love for each other , but it's tastefully done , if in a slightly silly manner ( as is everything else in the film ) . from the very beginning you realize that this is not a film to be taken seriously . though harmless enough , it does tend to be rather smug and a little too cute for its own good , and you end up laughing at the film rather than with it . if it weren't so badly acted , so deliberately self-mocking all around , then it might have made for better entertainment . as it is , the return of swamp thing remains strictly for the grade z crowd . the only thought that appears to have gone into the making of this movie is that the producers decided not to call it swamp thing 2 . <hr>| directed by : jim wynorski david n . butterworth - university of pa | | rating ( l . maltin ) : * 1/2 internet : <a href= " mailto : butterworth@a1 . mscf . upenn . edu " >butterworth@a1 . mscf . upenn . edu</a> |<hr> 
