filmcritic . com presents a review from staff member jeremiah kipp . you can find the review with full credits at <a href= " http : //www . filmcritic . com/misc/emporium . nsf/2a460f93626cd4678625624c007f2b46/7572ca225fc21c928825692700053f91 ? opendocument " >http : //www . filmcritic . com/misc/emporium . nsf/2a460f93626cd4678625624c007f2b46/7572ca225fc21c928825692700053f91 ? opendocument</a> she's a mouthy , demanding , bratty femme fatale who always wants her own way . her cuckold is a slightly goofy young fellow who hangs on her every word and submissively goes along with whatever scheme she cooks up . these are our unsympathetic heroes in francois ozon's latest exercise in cinematic shock treatment , criminal lovers . after a preliminary scene in bed where the girl , alice ( natacha regnier , unrecognizable from the dreamlife of angels ) , mouths off to the boy , luc ( jeremie renier ) , taking a photograph of his limp penis and threatening to mail it to his mother , they commit a violent crime . without fully knowing their motive , our title characters meander into a high school shower and stab their jock classmate said ( salim kechiouche ) . taking it's cue from the coen brothers' recently re-released blood simple , they proceed to get rid of the body by wiping up the blood and dragging the canvas wrapped body out into the middle of the woods to bury it . ozon dwells on their first major obstacle , fully observing how difficult it is to rid themselves of the corpse . thrillers should really grab you in the first fifteen minutes . it's the crucial time where we meet the characters who you'll be following for the duration of the film . the biggest problem with criminal lovers is that ozon has created two characters who are downright annoying to be with for ninety minutes - she's completely obnoxious and rude to the boy , berating him with every word . he's a simpering weakling who sulkily takes it on the chin . they're nasty and dull , a poor combination . things heat up when they get lost in the woods . before you can say " modern retelling of hansel and gretel , they're kidnapped by a natty old forest hick ( creepy miki manojlovic ) who locks them in the basement . what follows are drawn out scenes of the wood ogre demanding that luc bathe him and have sex with him , just for starters . the worst , of course , is yet to come . why do you think he's fattening luc up ? what do fairy tale ogres do to their victims ? intercut with these relentless scenes of torture are flashbacks of high school as alice and luc plan their murder . far from illuminating the crime , they make it trite because each twist involved in their scheme is telegraphed so far in advance through the obvious dialogue that there's no satisfaction in those elements of surprise . the viewer is forced to sit and wait for the inevitable " moment of shock " where we see that " everything is not what it seemed to be . " a good hour of the movie is devoted to the ogre and his child as they spend time developing their sado-masochistic relationship while alice seethes in the basement demanding food . you quickly become used to the wood ogre pushing luc around , and soon realize that this is going to be the movie . the youngsters aren't going to escape for several reels , so we're treated to long takes of " wash my hairy back " or " my turn to wash your back . " since ozon so clearly wants to titillate and shock his audience , the effect wears off as his well of continuous thrills runs dry . the grand finale is utterly ridiculous on every level , as ozon winks and nudges as the action takes place , asking the audience for a pat on the back to acknowledge how clever he is to make fun of the lovers engaging in their moment in the spotlight . with his numerous cutaways to animals peeking in from the forest and the bright , shining music , you can almost hear ozon say , " aren't i being so clever with my use of irony ? " pretentious schoolboy drivel . this is the type of movie which gives " art house cinema " a bad name . 
