rated on a 4-star scale screening venue : odeon ( manchester city centre ) released in the uk by alliance atlantis on july 14 , 2000 ; certificate u ; 85 minutes ; country of origin usa ; aspect ratio 1 . 85 : 1 directed by britt allcroft ; produced by britt allcroft , phil fehrle . written by britt allcroft . photographed by paul ryan ; edited by ron wisman . to begin , some background information : " thomas the tank engine " was a strange and wonderful british tv show for children , first broadcast when i was growing up in the 1980s , and still popular today . it took place at a railway station , where every day virtuous steam engines and malevolent diesel trains would pull in to tell the one human character , fat controller , what scrapes they'd been getting into . it was innocent fantasy , complete with a great theme tune , and narration by ringo starr . now it has been adapted to the big screen in a movie that shows why 'americanisation' is a pejorative term . " thomas and the magic railroad " is nonsensical , cheesy , saccharine drivel , with all the charm of its source material removed , and the low-tech special effects kept in . the original television programme was on a limited budget , and so the trains were plastic models with stationary painted-on expressions that talked without moving their mouths . this is a big hollywood movie , but uses the same technique , despite having computer graphics for its other sections . the movie's shabby , mismatched visual style prevents its multiple story threads from coming together , and creates a schizophrenic tone , especially as characters zoom across different worlds " alice in wonderland " -style without ever looking shocked . there are scenes in 'reality' -- where a reclusive railway tycoon , burnett stone ( peter fonda ) , is being visited by his granddaughter lily ( mara wilson ) . their time together is interrupted by a distress call from the film's main character , mr . conductor ( alec baldwin ) , a midget pixie who uses a magic whistle to transport himself across the multiple universes he inhabits . these include shining time -- a whitewashed theme park of a town , whose residents wear zombie-like smiles and uniform clothing -- and the island of sodor , which resembles episodes of " thomas the tank engine " but has nothing to do with anything else in the movie . the plot follows mr . conductor's search for gold dust , which he needs to power his whistle . efforts to resupply keep getting thwarted by naughty trains like diesel , splatter and dodge , and he must speak to flowers , send supernatural spells to dogs and do a lot of other incomprehensible stuff to succeed . i found this hard to follow . kids will be so confused you might as well hand them the work of plato in the original ancient greek tablets . the actors deserve sympathy , too , because they had to pretend that it all made sense . baldwin is the most embarrassing -- wandering around on his own , attempting to breathe excitement into nothing in particular , talking as if to an imaginary friend . fonda delivers a ridiculous series of sentimental , deadly serious speeches ; he looks like he's trying to win an oscar , even though his lines are all similar to the following : " lady was the best steam engine in the world . . . ah , how i loved her . . . and my wife loved her , too . . . but diesel chased her . . . and her coal all ran out ! o god ! " " thomas and the magic railroad " was written , produced and directed by a first-time helmsman named britt allcroft . he should be ashamed of himself . projects like this -- incompetent and tortuous , but advertised as 'family entertainment' -- not only insult children's intelligence , but eat away at them , causing devastation . kids will approach it with high expectations , because of love for the tv show ; then refuse to believe it's bad , convince themselves that it must be good , and that they just weren't paying attention . then they will slowly realise that , no , it was bad , and that they have been cheated and fooled . copyright ( c ) 2000 ian waldron-mantgani <a href= " http : //members . aol . com/ukcritic " >http : //members . aol . com/ukcritic</a> 
