you know you're in big trouble when halfway through a movie you ask yourself , " what would be better ? sitting through the rest of this garbage or receiving a scratch to the retina ? " ultimately , the question is moot , since both are examples of ocular mayhem . the impulse as you sit through dungeons & dragons is to close your eyes , thereby shielding yourself from those atrocious computer-generated zooming up and down gaudily-colored castles and cloud-capped palaces . unfortunately , the sound design is so brutal with those sharp rings as swords clash , glitter dust swirls , and magic spells go whoosh that sleep is not a viable option . consider just this small aspect of the film : why is it that the main characters are dressed like tolkein's rangers but sound like the real world , some gaudy hybrid of conan the barbarian and star wars : episode i ? indeed , it's nearly impossible to look at the young empress savina ( thora birch , american beauty ) without thinking about natalie portman's headdress . say what you will about the george lucas film , portman did manage to appear regal . birch , on the other hand , comes off as a bubble-headed valley girl whose glib talk of equality for everyone would fit comfortably on the stage of a high school beauty contest . in our opening tracking shot across the sea , while dragons fly underfoot , we hear a ponderous voice-over throwing out strange names and places . we haven't been introduced to anyone yet , and i defy the viewer to make sense of it . what we do get is this : the mages are attempting to overthrow the empire of izmer , while the commoners struggle for equal rights . profion ( former academy award winner jeremy irons ) seeks the scepter to control the power of the golden dragons , but we also learn of an equally powerful rod which unites the red dragons . are you with me so far ? there's a quiz afterwards . it's around this time that we meet the two young thieves , ridley ( justin whalin ) and his silly black sidekick , step 'n' fetchit ( marlon wayans , requiem for a dream ) . actually , the wayans character is called snails , who will sacrifice anything , even his life if need be , to save massah . spike lee would have a field day with wayans' bug-eyed performance . of course , wayans is bringing it on himself -- he's clearly set up as the white man's burden and is handled as such . his final scene nails the coffin shut on my case . ridley and snails sneak into the inner sanctum of a wizard who has some sort of secret scroll ( another prop ) that the bad guys are after . as the good guys set off on their adventure , they team up with a young magician ( zoe mclellan ) who never actually uses her magic -- she's too busy waiting for the boys to rescue her . since jeremy irons only wants to pick up his paycheck for this film , he sends the sinister damodar ( bruce payne ) in hot pursuit . together , the thieves , the young magician , and a few other trusty sidekicks run through a series of hoops , with the crazy kids wandering through forests and towns , thieves' mazes , and enemy castles . to keep things entertaining , they never let up on their sarcastic repartee , slapping each other high-fives . meanwhile , snails ponders the immortal question , " massah , why do you always get to save the girl while i go after the dwarf ? " riddle me that , batman ! the sorry excuse for a plot builds up to an elaborate , if incomprehensible , dragon war . buildings are smashed , swords are drawn , and the sky runs red with blood ( actually , computer generated clouds that might have been swell in tomb raider but won't be fooling anyone here ) . jeremy irons gets to stand at the top of a tower cackling , contorting his face , and , ultimately , destroying his career with such aplomb that i wonder when he'll work in this town again . is there anything good which can be said about dungeons & dragons ? fans of the role-playing game will be distressed as they see their beloved world contorted into a travesty . those who loved the saturday morning cartoon will wonder why the filmmakers didn't simply use that cute , kid-friendly story as source material . everyone else out there is on their own . just pretend this review is a large iron gate where , written large , are the words abandon hope , all ye who enter here . postscript : there is one good thing i can say about the film , which perhaps will be of little interest to anyone who never saw the wonderful british sci-fi show , doctor who . my boyhood hero , tom baker , who played the good doctor throughout the '70s , makes a cameo appearance in d&d as the lord of the elves . it made me feel good to know that he is still getting work . 
