the beach * ( 2000 ) directed by danny boyle ; written by johnhodge , based on the book by alex garland . photography , darius khondji . editing , masahiro hirakubo . production design , andrew mcalpine . music , angelo badalamenti . produced by andrew macdonald . cast : leonardo dicaprio ( richard ) , virginie ledoyen ( francoise ) , guillaume canet ( etienne ) , robert carlyle ( daffy ) , tilda swinton ( sal ) , paterson joseph ( keaty ) . a 20th century fox release . 120 minutes . r ( drugs , sex ) the long e ( ea ) as in beach , is pronounced by many native speakers of other languages ( even by persons who speak fine english ) in such a short manner that the beach becomes the bitch . leonardo dicaprio could be dicapriocorn . but he's the darling of teens , which fact is reinforced by audiences getting younger and younger , as do , compared to many earlier decades , performers on the screen . di caprio is said to have been 20 million for his role . the movie , made by the scottish team that gave us " trainspotting , " is a kind of perverse swiss family robinson , all the more swiss given the holes in the cheesy script . generation xer richard ( changed from the book to an american ) is yet another 20-something who's searching for himself , in thailand . bangkok , the sex-for-sale capital of the world , attracts some ( otherwise ) quite respectable adults , including couples , including persons with deep pockets . it also attracts many among the young , the dumb , and the druggies . it's like the 1960s ( and some of the 70s ) . hippies experimented with substances , got together in communes , did all sorts of non-conformist things . except that when millions do non-conformist thing they ipso facto adopt a new conformism . bangkok is ( as shown or implied here ) a dismal center of vices , or oddities such as offering tourists to drink snake blood -- which richard does . even more dismal is the seedy ( that's an euphemism ) flea bag hotel he's staying in . there he is approached by " daffy duck , " who seems to be vaguely british , is stoned out of his head , befriends richard . briefly , because he kills himself . but not telling richard about a forbidden island not in the tourist guides . the place is paradise , with all its exquisite beaches , technicolor lagoons and stuff , and with enough cannabis growing to last one a lifetime . returning to his so-called room after daffy's suicide , richard finds on the door a handmade map of paradise . he will go there , of course . and he asks francoise and etienne a french couple next door ( he hardly knows them ) to come along . they make the trip . but not before richard , who is getting dumber and dumber , slips a copy of the map under the door of two other generation xers . ( don't ask ) . i'll skip the itinerary . by going to a legal , open-to-the-public island neighboring their destination , the idiot three manage to swim the waters leading to paradise . the first thing they see is an immensity of cannabis plants . the second is a bunch of sinister , heavily armed locals , whom they evade . next stop is a commune of perhaps two dozen non-angels . they live --or so they think -- an idyllic life , are sort of self-sufficient ( but not really ) , play a lot , do soccer , cricket , smoke dope by the ton , tattoo themselves and presumably have mucho sex . but there are no scenes of copulation . and rather coyly , hardly any male or female naked bodies ( where it matters ) . it 's no topless french riviera . absent too are : aids , pregnancies , doctors , dentists , condoms , you name it . from the air ( don't ask ) the island looks like a lamb chop . i don't think this symbolizes anything . newcomers and resident aliens are all constantly dumfounded by the scenic beauty of the place . there is even a waterfall whose top comes in handy for a butch cassidy mega-jump . they commune-ists have made a deal with local peasants ( the heavily armed guys ) who live off the lucrative sea of grass : the foreigners can stay , but never , never add new people to the commune . why the locals have settled for this arrangement makes no sense . the commune is sort of led by a gal called sal . not particularly pretty , thirty-something , therefore older than the other womens , she is the top ( and sole ) authority . the three new people are accepted . richard and francois become a twosome , to the detriment of her french lover etienne . richard becomes a hero for battling and killing a shark . ( a kill-joy point out it was a mere baby shark ) . he makes a dumb " philosophical " speech about sharks and how to face them . ( do not try this at home or underwater ) . all is hunky-dory , except that bugs ( note the cartoonishness of names - pure infantilism ) . who is sal's man , does not like richard who in turn mistrusts him . lisa takes off for one her periodical trips to the nearest town , called something like kopenyang . i can't remember . she asks for richard to go with her . the commune people order all sorts of things , from vittels to body oil to cigarettes to tampons and more . fact is too that the town is full of sleazy youths of all sexes , from the west ( or the east , if you think of america ) who are carousing , dancing , making out , drinking and doping . richard calls his folks , at home . where does the shopping money come from ? never mind . coincidence ! it goes without saying that you've been expecting it . the two boys for whom richard left a copy of the famous map are there , with two girls . how to prevent them from going to paradise ? never mind . richard and somewhat spinsterish-looking sal have sex . it is prudishly shown on a tent's surface like chinese shadows . here comes the great line of this cinematic masterpiece . sal , about to go to sleep , tells richard to do the same " because tomorrow morning i may want some more sex . " the island starts becoming paradise lost upon ther return from the shopping trip . francoise smells a sexual rat ( r & s ) , is not pleased . richard lies . someone has a terrible problem with a tooth . ( or perhaps that was before the trip ? ) two or three men are attacked by sharks . a survivor , horribly mauled , disturbs the happy family with his cries . of agony . so they put him in distant corner of the beach and resume their fun and games . in spite of abundant christian symbolism ( prayers , crosses , etc . ) the men and women are totally self-centered . ( richard's compassion will however , illustrate his humanity . after all , he is leonardo ) . the two couples with the map's copy camp across the water . they are a dangerous no-no . sal mercilessly orders richard to guard the beach , keep an eye on the potential intruders , keep them away no matter at what cost . richard , alone in his outpost , goes bananas , hallucinates , eat a bug , has visions , also goes native a la kurtz in " apocalypse now , " a film referred to more than once . but he is a sub-kurtz . the four kids raft over . the farmers with automatic weapons take care of them . oh , the horror , the horror . but worry not . an exodus from paradise finds mr . dicaprio alive and well -- well , alive anyway -- and ready for another astronomic paycheck . this movie about post-hippie retards is ludicrous and unpleasant . the exotic photography is fine . the music is not . it loads on generic-romantic sounds which come up on the least provocation . it's like the experienced person who gave this advice to a new director : " whenever you don't know what to do , throw in the hallelujah chorus from handel's " the messiah . " " " le mauvais gout mene au crime " ( stendhal ) edwin jahiel's film reviews are at : <a href= " http : //www . prairienet . org/ejahiel/ " >http : //www . prairienet . org/ejahiel/</a> 
