filmcritic . com presents a review from staff member robert strohmeyer . you can find the review with full credits at <a href= " http : //filmcritic . com/misc/emporium . nsf/2a460f93626cd4678625624c007f2b46/a798b7c8e97eb65c8825695900042829 ? opendocument " >http : //filmcritic . com/misc/emporium . nsf/2a460f93626cd4678625624c007f2b46/a798b7c8e97eb65c8825695900042829 ? opendocument</a> after 40 continuous years of off-broadway performances , the musical sensation of tom jones and harvey schmidt comes inexplicably to the big screen . that's right , folks . all the dancing , singing , and mindbogglingly stupid antics of off-broadway's longest-running embarrassment can now be experienced at a cinema near you . set deep in rural america , this is the story of two neighboring fathers who fake a feud in order to trick their children into courtship . of course , the young man and woman ( played by joe mcintyre and jean louisa kelly , respectively ) are easily duped and everything is going as planned . that is , until the circus comes to town . and that's when the moronic singing starts . perhaps the most baffling thing about this incomprehensible production is that it languished for about five years on mgm shelves , nearly ( but not nearly enough ) not making it to the screen , until francis ford coppola offered to have a look at it at much risk to his own sanity . sadly , even ffc's magical touch could not spare us the horror the fantasticks has in store . the unique combination of cheesy choreography , inept dialog , and insanely ridiculous music , so brilliantly captured under michael ritchie's direction , is surely enough to have audiences howling all the way to their cars within the first twenty minutes . this is the sort of film our grandmothers might have loved . well , probably not my grandmother but maybe yours , if she was an invalid . one credit i can pay this flick is that , against all probability , its makers managed to cram more moments of ungodly torture into an 86-minute musical than i could ever have thought possible . the saddest thing about the fantasticks is the inclusion in its cast of cabaret's memorable emcee , joel grey . a longtime fan of grey's performances , i will be forever scarred by this experience . to be sure , jean louisa kelly and joe mcintyre will live long enough to regret their roles in this picture . teller ( of penn & teller ) , on the other hand , might very well consider this the crowning achievement of a career spent frolicking silently about in the shadow of a lowbrow windbag . the fantasticks might well serve as a worthwhile sacrifice in american filmmaking , demonstrating for all time the god-awful stupidity of silver screen musicals . use it as you would a roadside accident ; gawk thoroughly as you cruise slowly by , praying for all your life is worth that this sort of atrocity never happens to anyone , ever again . 
