i'm going to keep this plot summary brief , something i wish mr . warren had done with his " film " ( i know , " manos " only runs 74 minutes , but that's not brief enough ) . michael ( hal warren ) leads his family on a trip out into the middle of nowhere . after being lost for a great deal of time , they stumble across a lodge run by torgo ( the late john reynolds ) , a small man with large knees . torgo informs the family that he watches the house while the master ( tom neyman ) is away . michael insists on torgo allowing his family to stay , despite the fact that michael's wife , margaret ( the late diane mahree ) , and daughter , debbie ( stephanie nielson ) , aren't too keen on staying . torgo relents and slowly carries the family's luggage into the house . meanwhile , the master awakens , and his wives ( jackey neyman , sherry proctor , robin redd ) vie for his favor by wrestling in the mud . i'm afraid i'm not an eloquent enough writer to adequately describe the experience that is " manos , the hands of fate " . i don't believe i can do justice to this diamond in the rough ; this magnificent piece of filmmaking that is - oh forget it , i can't even say it . " manos , the hands of fate " is , arguably , the worst movie of all time . imagine , if you will , the following : hal warren , a fertilizer salesman , bets a friend that he can make a popular horror film on a minimal budget . he hires several actors who have little to no experience or training ( he himself has no experience or training ) , and leads the cast through a script which consists of long spells of nothingness occurring . you're no doubt wondering why i have referred to cast members as " the late " ; it's because after the film was finished , and the cast laughed out of the theater at its premier , three ( that's right , three ) cast members committed suicide . " manos " ( which means hands , by the way ) has since become a legendary film ; one which can only be watched under one of three circumstances : you're completely drunk , completely insane , or completely asleep . while looking over the list of actors involved in this project , you'll most likely realize that none of the names sound familiar . that's because each cast member sealed his/her acting fate by appearing in this " movie " . not one actor involved went on to make any other picture . could appearing in a bad movie really do this to one's career ? it's doubtful . for example , barry pepper will no doubt go on to make other films after " battlefield earth " ( which is not to say " battlefield earth " is in the same league as " manos " ) . the chief reason none of these actors went on to other films is because none of them could act . hal warren was as incompetent in front of the camera as he was behind it ; tom neyman made van damme look like an oscar winner ; and diane mahree's part consisted of , well , nothing really . the only two actors worth noting are john reynolds and stephanie nielson . stephanie nielson may have been only a child , but she outdid every adult in the film ( she's no doubt in a mental institute somewhere after experiencing this movie ) . john reynolds , who was sadly one of the three casualties of this war , actually showed some small trace of talent . do i mean he was good ? not in the slightest . yet , i think if he'd received some schooling and experience he might have gone on to a small career . so what does a movie look like when there's no budget ? well , picture " the blair witch project " without the scares ( oh wait , there were no scares in " blair witch " ) , the extras , the scenery , or the nice cameras . you see , " manos , the hands of fate " was filmed with such a cheap , ancient camera that the film could only be shot in thirty two second bursts . this means there are fades and/or cuts every thirty two seconds for no reason . the costuming in " manos " is rather interesting . there are really only three different bits of costuming : the wives' undergarments , which they wear while fighting each other ; the master's cloak of hands , which is a large cloak covered in large hands ( something involving the god manos , whom he serves ) ; and torgo's knees . torgo's knees , by the way , may look like nothing more than large anomalies stuck to his legs , but they're actually an ingenious invention thought up by john reynolds . torgo is actually supposed to be a satyr , and the large knees were supposed to represent goat legs . i'm not quite sure how reynolds thought this up , and i'm not sure how we were supposed to know they were goat legs , and i'm not even sure why torgo is supposed to be a satyr , but there you have it . there are two more things worth noting in " manos " . one is the dialogue , particularly that of torgo ; the other is the soundtrack . torgo's dialogue generally consists of repeating the same phrases over and over again . for example , when asked about the master's health , torgo states : " dead ? no , madam . not dead the way you know it . he is with us always . not dead the way you know it . he is with us always . " i think warren wanted to emphasize the fact that he wasn't dead like we know it , but i could be wrong . torgo also states , in a line vaguely ( very vaguely ) reminiscent of a classic line from rosalie crutchley in " the haunting " : " there is no way out of here . it'll be dark soon . there is no way out of here . " it should be noted that the camera used was so ancient and decrepit that it could not record sound . therefore , all the characters voices were dubbed by four different people : hal warren , hal's wife , and two friends . the soundtrack to " manos " is certainly one of the high-points . after some strange and out of place lounge music in the film's opening ( which consists of a lot of driving ) we settle into the torgo theme , which is made up of six notes played over and over again till you're certain your ears will begin to bleed . if i haven't made this film sound bad enough , and you are unfortunate enough to go and witness it , i do apologize . i'd recommend " manos , the hands of fate " to those who simply adore classic bad movies ( because this one ranks amongst the worst ) and award it a full one out of five stars . comments ? send to : <a href= " mailto : johnbeachem@dependentfilms . net " >johnbeachem@dependentfilms . net</a>past reviews can be found at : <a href= " http : //www . epinions . com/user-elerad ? public=yes " >http : //www . epinions . com/user-elerad ? public=yes</a> or <a href= " http : //us . imdb . com/reviewsby ? john + beachem " >http : //us . imdb . com/reviewsby ? john + beachem</a> * * * * * - one of the best movies of the year . * * * * - great flick , try and catch this one . * * * - okay movie , hits and misses . * * - pretty bad , see it at your own risk . * - see this one only if you enjoy pain . <hr>get your private , free e-mail from msn hotmail at <a href= " http : //www . hotmail . com . 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