a combination of coincidence and trend has just brought us at least three new american movies either directed by women and/or with a nearly all-female cast : diane keaton's unstrung heroes , david anspaugh's ( hoosiers ) moonlight and valentino , and , by australian jocelyn moorhouse ( proof ) , how to make an american quilt . in moonlight and valentino a bunch of relatives and/or friends are trying to support college poetry teacher elizabeth perkins after her ( also academic ) husband is killed in a yuppie accident : a car hits him as he jogs . moonlight and valentino is a would-be tearjerker . the problem is that the tears are on the screen and not in the audience , unless you count tears caused by boredom . the script , from a play by neil simon's daughter , suffers from uninteresting everything : characters , acts , facts and dialogue . a lot of useless yakety-yak here makes the sluggish pace even slower . the talk is of time-killing trivia . the death-in-the-family treatment is far inferior to that in unstrung heroes . the roles are dull and artificially constructed--much less attention-getting than those in how to make an american quilt . the consolers are themselves in need of drastic straightening out too . the ladies bond , de-bond , re-bond . a hefty whoopi goldberg , a pottery maker , is unstable , with pathological fears about her husband leaving her . gwyneth paltrow , still mixed up from the long-ago death of her mother , spots a kooky , perpetually hat-wearing student of her sister perkins . the movie telegraphs with hammer-blows that a new twosome is in the making . and as paltrow has troubles with her virginity , she first shows her body to big sis who decrees " you're a knockout . you should never wear clothes . " then she asks sis for advice on how to moan during sex . perkins obliges . ( i am not making any of this up ) . and to think that they now blame the internet . kathleen turner--whose best role by far was in serial mom--is photographed in terribly unflattering ways , with the focus on her oddly soft nose , while she has an un-dimensional , vague part as a self-centered , hard-nosed business exec . it takes 29 minutes into the film ( during which time you waste your energy deciphering matters ) to establish relationships or unscramble who's who and what's what . even then things are not always clear . the neighborhood seems to be bucolic suburbia--with too many pretty landscape shots--of the " on golden pond " school . for some reason , sentimental family gatherings in movies are located in the east of the united states , unlike the enormous majority of other subjects that all take place in california . ( ph . d . thesis , anyone ? ) perkins teaches a three-minute class ( sic ) . she also injects francois truffaut in her lectures , for no discernible reason . distraught perkins ( the very actress who was recently quoted as deriding demi moore's nudity in movies ) takes a bath . the mixing of pathos and nipples is counterproductive , distracting indeed , as it is known from statistics that 94 . 67 percent of men are voyeurs to some degree . turner turns out to be the former stepmother of perkins and paltrow , whose father , at the funeral reception , is coyly told by his ex that she needs a hug and kisses . he replies " here's my kiss , and you fax me your hug . " that's the movie's best line . except for paltrow's new boyfriend , the main male presence is bon jovi's . he is a house painter , an italian who speaks no english , and whose buns inflame the women's libido . they discuss them openly , until the man turns out to be a real yankee . ( score one for sitcom humor ) . his name is wrongly believed to be valentino , hence the awkward title . the other part of the title comes from bon jovi showing up at night to paint the perkins home . why night ? he's a romantic , which leads of course to intercourse that speeds up perkins' healing process . ( he also relaxes perkins by teaching her how to eat pizza with her fingers ) . how exciting . there is a mystery however : is why change the house color from a perfectly nice gray to the color of regurgitation ? the bottom line in this film is that everyone , but everyone , is uninteresting . not only is everyone unconvincing , but everything stultifies us with boredom , down to the heavy , lachrymose musical score . capping all this , the " good-bye to ben " ( perkins' defunct spouse ) finale has all the women , with painted faces , coming to terms with the past by doing a kind of witchcrafty ritual at night , in the cemetery , with loud music and song plus up and down dancing . then a magic rain falls . ugh ! 
