directed by : roger christian written by : l . ron hubbard ( novel ) , corey mandell once in a great while there comes a movie which is regarded as an instant classic . movies like " ben hur " and " the godfather " were known to be great films the moment they hit theaters . roger christian's " battlefield earth " , based on l . ron hubbard's thousand page epic , is not one of these movies . " battlefield earth " is more akin to " plan 9 from outer space " ; a movie so incredibly bad that it will one day develop a cult following . " battlefield earth " is a movie words cannot adequately describe . i hate to say this , but i truly believe it must be witnessed to be fully appreciated . most bad films have at least one redeeming quality to them ; whether it be unintentional laughs , one truly good scene , or some interesting special effects . this movie somehow manages to possess no redeeming qualities . i must admit , it's not an easy task creating such a movie , which is why they only come along once in a great while . appreciate this movie for the few weeks it will be in theaters folks . you'll not see another one like it for a great while . it's the 31st century , and man is an endangered species ( so the opening credits tell us in a cheap , green home computer font ) . the psychlos , a race of nine foot tall whiners , have taken over the planet in a battle which took only nine minutes . now , 1000 years later , there are only a handful of humans remaining , and they are used as cheap labor by the psychlos , led by the maniacal terl ( john travolta ) . a lone woodsman , jonnie goodboy tyler ( barry pepper ) , is on a quest to find what happend to his people when he is captured by the alien invaders . found to be somewhat intelligent by the psychlos , he is trained in how to speak their language and handle their machinery . tyler soon decides that he must lead his people in a revolt or the human race will become extinct . with nothing but his wits , a few fellow captives , some explosives , and a handy fleet of harrier jets , he leads his people in a final strike against their oppressors . let me start by listing the things i liked about this film . okay , now on to the rest of the movie . you can tell from the opening titles that you're in for a very bumpy ride . the picture leaps right into its narrative without explaining anything . instead , we meet barry pepper's ( " saving private ryan " ) character , and before we know anything about him , he is off on his quest . in fact , there is no emotional involvment with any character in this movie . at one point , terl has captured tyler's girlfriend and threatens to kill her if tyler doesn't obey him . i think this was supposed to be an emotional scene , watching tyler grapple with how to save his girlfriend's life . the problem , however , is that we know next to nothing about tyler , and his girlfriend has just been introduced so we couldn't care less about her . things are even worse with tyler's comrades . they die all the time without anyone really knowing just who died . everytime anyone dies , the music blasts through the theater , the characters scream silently , and the audience stares at the screen in complete confusion about who just bit the dust . allow me to now list everything that is wrong with this movie . the scenery is obviously fake and created mostly from models or really bad mat jobs ( watch for the mat job on a scene where a character falls off a cliff ; it's laughably bad ) . the special effects look like they were done on the same home computer used for the opening credits . the costumes consist of cheap looking furs for the humans and shoddy silver things for the aliens ( travolta manages to appear even more overweight in his costume ) . the battle scenes are shot entirely in slow motion and with no sound . these fights consist of watching humans and aliens getting hit by little white bursts of light which bounce off them but cause the victims to fall dead to the ground ( except jonnie tyler , who gets shot numerous times but always springs back ) . the dialogue is amazingly cheesy , and is made even worse by the over-the-top performances from all the cast members . the score is quite obnoxious , booming dramatically through the speakers all the time regardless of what the characters are doing . barry pepper raises his hand , the music booms dramatically ; barry pepper eats a raw rat , the score plays so loudly you'll be vibrating in your chair . there is much more to hate in this film , but i don't have room to mention it all in one review . in case you're wondering just who roger christian is , allow me to give you a quick biography . christian is the fellow who directed 1997's " masterminds " , and little else . he also worked as a crew member on the first " star wars " movie , which would explain his affinity for using wipes . the problem is , while george lucas may have used all sorts of different wipes throughout the " star wars " movies , christian uses the same wipe over and over again in " battlefield earth " . the wipe starts in the middle and goes outward , again and again , between nearly every scene . not only is it amateurish to use the same wipe repeatedly , but it's a cheap looking , unimaginative wipe . the actors are given very little to do , and they chew the scenery like you've never seen . barry pepper , who was interesting and a little creepy as the christian sniper in " saving private ryan " , is given nothing to do as the always grunting jonnie tyler . john travolta overacts like you've never seen before , and rather than appearing menacing as i believe was intended , he looks like an eight foot tall clown . only forest whitaker ( " ghost dog : the way of the samurai " ) , playing terl's henchman , appears to realize what a horrendous movie he is in . for nearly any science fiction film , a certain amount of suspension of disbelief is necessary . " battlefield earth " requires more than any other movie i have seen in recent years . nearly every scene contains some ludicrous idea that an eight year old wouldn't buy . try this out : the psychlos are interested in mining gold from a mountain , and they use the humans to do so . jonnie tyler , being the genius he now is , takes bricked gold from fort knox and gives it to terl in place of the gold they didn't mine . there are two serious oversights here . first , terl actually believes that tyler smelted the gold into bricks for him ; second , terl's scanners could find gold ore in a mountain , but he couldn't find any sitting in a demolished fort knox ? not ludicrous enough for you ? try this one on for size : tyler and his troops just happen to find a fleet of harriers sitting armed , fueled , and in perfect working order after one thousand years . tyler's men , who could barely speak intelligibly not too long ago , then proceed to learn how to fly them like experts in less than a week . there are dozens of examples like these two , but i've wasted enough time writing about this stupid movie . i'd recommend " battlefield earth " to aspiring directors so they can see how not to make a sci-fi movie , but to no one else under any circumstances . the movie runs a torturous 117 minutes , and i give it one out of five stars . any past movies you want me to review ? send to : <a href= " mailto : johnbeachem@dependentfilms . net " >johnbeachem@dependentfilms . net</a> for past reviews , movie news , and other fun stuff , visit : <a href= " http : //www . dependentfilms . net " >http : //www . dependentfilms . net</a> * * * * * - one of the best movies of the year . * * * * - great flick , try and catch this one . * * * - okay movie , hits and misses . * * - pretty bad , see it at your own risk . * - see this one only if you enjoy pain . 
