it seems that david lynch's adaptation of frank herbert's epic science fiction novel dune ( 1984 ) wasn't enough to convince people that this classic works far better on the page . at least that box office fiasco packs in some interesting lynchian perversions . besides , how can you go wrong with a cast that includes patrick stewart , max von sydow , and alicia witt as a bald , pint-sized , knife-wielding child ? let me tell you something , buddy -- you can't top that ! maybe it ain't herbert's vision of dune , but it's fun at parties . so someone in the sci-fi channel marketing department thought that they'd be able to create the definitive version of the novel , making much ballyhoo over it in the press . " this is the way frank herbert intended it ! " yes , yes , i'm sure he was precisely thinking of static , made-for-television sets lifted from star trek : the next generation , bathed in nauseating greens , oranges , and fire engine reds . instead of lynchian puppets and latex gore , we're treated to phony bluescreens , computer generated b-movie effects , and a series of unrealistic matte paintings ( at least , they looked like matte paintings -- the press kit says they filmed in prague and tunisia ! ) and what's up with those gauche costumes , a cross between japanese kimonos and ronald mcdonald . something is clearly wrong here . an attempt to summarize herbert's richly layered plot would prove confounding , what with his fastidious attention to detail . we'll stick with the cliff's notes version : spice is the key to time travel , so ruthless barons and emperors across the galaxy negotiate to get their greedy stinking hands on as much of it as possible . he who controls the spice controls the universe . with his eye on the prize , stalwart duke leto atreities ( william hurt , given top billing but whacked pretty quick ) picks up stakes from his homeland and moves to the desert planet known as dune . comfortably settled into his new digs , he proceeds to mine for the spice and teach his brash young son paul ( alec newman ) about the birds and the bees . bizarre omens forebode that duke leto will be slain , and that young paul will be groomed as the prophesied messiah to lead the fremen ( rogue desert warriors ) to salvation and freedom ? slobbering baron vladimir harkonnen ( ian mcneice ) , sleek emperor shaddam iv ( giancarlo giannini , hannibal ) and other diabolical forces work intricate plots against the good guys . a traitor , an assassination attempt , and an ambush all figure into play before paul and his pouting cosmopolitan mother ( saskia reeves ) are cast out into the wild . will paul be groomed by the fremen tribes to fight in a ritualized kung-fu fight with feyd-rautha harkonnen ( matt keeslar , the last days of disco ) ? he damned well better , lads , because this is a six-hour epic ! all of the shoddy production elements would be forgiven if there was a halfway decent cast holding this house of cards together . hurt wanders through early scenes mumbling his lines , coasting on what i hope was a fat paycheck . he at least exudes regal presence , whereas newman's paul atreities ( played with authority by kyle maclachlan in lynch's version ) is less a boy prince than a refugee from a boy band . the women are a gaggle of weak-willed geese , with julie cox especially bratty as the emperor's daughter . her " flirting " scenes with paul will not only disgust fans of herbert's book ( for which their relationship is purely a matter of social convenience and political tact ) , but will also turn off anyone who happened to be taking this malarkey seriously . when did the sci-fi space opera turn into teen beat ? i hate to keep returning to the lynch version , but it was really so much better . even if you didn't catch all the new language or rituals originated by frank herbert ( for he is the kwizatz haderach ! ) , you accepted it as dream logic . better to be entertained and confused than casually dismissive , which is as much as this new dune deserves . 
