directed by courtney solomon . screenplay by topper lilien and carroll cartwright , based on the game created by e gary gygax . starring justin whalin , marlon wayans , zoe mclellan . running time : 107 minutes . rated pg for frightening scenes by the mfcb . reviewed on december 21st , 2000 . okay , i admit it . as a critic , i'm supposed to approach any movie objectively , but that isn't always the case . there are some films i'm just predisposed to liking -- anything starring jimmy stewart , for example . " dungeons & dragons " falls into this category . i've been a participant in the role-playing game for thirteen years , and have anticipated its big-screen treatment for some time . to further whet my appetite , the film features a cameo by one of my favourite actors ( tom baker , the curly-haired time lord with the immense scarf on the bbc's " doctor who " ) . and this is on top of boasting two traditionally excellent actors in jeremy irons and thora birch . first , let's be clear : " dungeons & dragons " isn't really " based on " the role-playing game . that's because there's not a lot of source material : d&d , the game , is a set of mechanics sparsely peppered with vague background . you could just as easily create a movie based on " monopoly " or " yahtzee " . the basic idea is to take the rules set down in the d&d game and apply them to a scenario invented by the players themselves . the world depicted in " dungeons & dragons " , the movie , is therefore entirely an invention of producer/director courtney solomon and writers topper lilien and carroll cartwright . at best , " dungeons & dragons " adheres to the rules laid down in the game , and then only loosely . the empire of izmer is on the brink of civil war . socially-conscious young empress savina ( birch ) is locked in a struggle with the ruling council of mages , led by profion ( irons ) . profion desires power for himself , but savina wields an enchanted staff which allows her to control mighty gold dragons . through his brutish underling damodar ( bruce payne ) , profion learns of another magical staff which would permit him to command red dragons . however , the roguish ridley ( justin whalin ) uncovers profion's plot , and sets out on a quest to find the staff first . ridley quickly accumulates a party of allies , including his thieving partner snails ( marlon wayans ) , apprentice magic-user norda ( zoe mclellan ) , elven tracker marrina ( kristen wilson ) and gluttonous dwarf elwood ( lee arenberg ) . ( the name elwood comes from the press material -- if the dwarf is ever actually named onscreen , i didn't hear it . ) the amusing thing is that , with the exception of snails , ridley's companions accomplish nothing beyond serving as convenient hostages for the bad guys . one amusing scene , in which they confront profion one after the other only to each be instantly despatched by the villain , tells the whole story . his adventuring band assembled , ridley endures a series of dungeons and mazes , eventually leading to the recovery of the fabled staff . with the dungeons dispensed with , what comes next but -- you guessed it -- the dragons . lots of them . apparently , someone didn't quite realise that " dungeons & dragons " is just a cute , alliterative name for the game , not its complete description . solomon allegedly spent a decade crafting the storyline for this film , but it scarcely shows . frankly , i've seen better d&d adventures put together on the spur of the moment at the start of a gaming session . at its best , d&d allows participants' imaginations to soar . solomon , on the other hand , has kept his story firmly rooted in the most laboured cliches of the genre -- everything from sliding walls to those boobytrapped floors where you have to step on just the right stones to make it across . it's telling that one of the movie's seemingly more interesting scenes , in which ridley and norda actually enter a magic map and confront the spirit dwelling within , is reported purely through dialogue . the acting in " dungeons & dragons " is almost universally abysmal . whalin ( who was the second , far duller jimmy olsen in the " lois & clark " tv series ) and mclellan have clearly been cast purely for their all-american good looks ; their overacting is embarrassing to behold . only irons surpasses them in this regard , chewing the scenery with gusto literally every time he appears . birch shows none of the prowess she demonstrated in " american beauty " -- she utters lines of dialogue as though her mouth was filled with marbles , and she lives up to her surname for wooden acting . payne apparently spends the entire movie under the misapprehension that talking in a raspy voice makes him sound menacing and not at all like a guy in need of some vicks vapo-rub ; he inexplicably wears silver lipstick throughout , to boot . virtually the only reasonable acting is offered by wayans , but this is mitigated by the fact that his role as the cowardly , covetous snails verges on being a racist stereotype . none of them are helped out by the clumsy , cheesy script concocted by lilien and cartwright . as bad as the delivery might be , in many cases the actual dialogue is even worse . consider this hair-curling exchange . profion : " i shall invent a new destiny of pain for you . . . and new senses with which to feel it ! " ridley : " not if i kill you first ! " ( truly , the snappy comeback is a lost art . ) and everything leads up to an ending which tries to be touching and inspiring , but only manages to be sappy and confused . visually , " dungeons & dragons " is respectable , with scenes of dragons in combat above izmer looking particularly good ( albeit clearly computer-generated ) . however , it does appear that the production was running low on funds for some sequences -- for instance , count the number of times ridley and friends seem to pass the exact same copse of trees . ( then again , maybe they accidentally let irons loose on that particular set . ) otherwise , about the only thing " dungeons & dragons " has going for it is that it at least falls into the category of films so bad they're funny . it's difficult to be bored sitting through this one when you're spending the whole time laughing at it ( at it , mind you , not with it ) . if ever there was a compelling reason to revive the late , lamented " mystery science theater 3000 " , " dungeons & dragons " is it . copyright © 2000 shannon patrick sullivan . archived at the popcorn gallery , <a href= " http : //www . physics . mun . ca/~sps/movies/dungeonsanddragons . html " >http : //www . physics . mun . ca/~sps/movies/dungeonsanddragons . html</a> _______________________________________________________________________ / shannon patrick sullivan | " we are all in the gutter , but some of us \ | <a href= " mailto : shannon@mun . ca " >shannon@mun . ca</a> | are looking at the stars . " - oscar wilde | \___________________________|__________________________________________/ | popcorn gallery movie reviews www . physics . mun . ca/~sps/movies . html | | doctor who : a brief history of time ( travel ) /drwho . html | 
