besides being the longest title of a movie i've reviewed so far ( only because i was indisposed both days don't be a menace to south central while drinking your juice in the hood was in theaters ) , everything you always . . . is also the only movie in this book based on a sex manual . i should know -- from the ages of twelve to fourteen , every time i was in the library , i'd sneak up to the 612 . 6 ( by the dewey decimal system ) section of the stacks and grab up dr . david reuben's sex book , only after i was sure no one was looking . it was from that book i turned my warped , misinformed view of sex into something even more mangled and twisted . so naturally i was interested to see how woody allen , the world's most talented sex pervert , had adapted hundreds of pages of dry , clinical sex talk into a comedy . the answer lies in the fact that this is an incredibly loose adaptation of the book . all woody did was take a few of the chapter title questions and turn them into separate vignettes . for a sex movie , though , everything you . . . reaches its climax awfully early , is impotent for about half an hour , gives us a tease of foreplay , then goes into two more satisfying climaxes before we all have a smoke during the end credits and bask in the afterglow of what we've seen . since everything . . . is such an uneven movie , i'm rating each segment individually . for those of you who don't have calculators , the average rating for each segment was 2 . 43 stars , rounded up to two-and-a-half for an overall rating of the film . " do aphrodisiacs work ? " ( * * * 1/2 ) the movie's funniest segment , with woody playing the jester in a dark ages court . woody finds himself hot for the queen , who returns his feelings after he sneaks past two soldiers and slips her a mickey . ( that's m-i-c-k-e-y . why ? because he likes her . ) comedy abounds from multiple situations , from woody trying to unlock the queen's chastity belt as fast as he can ( " before you know it , the renaissance will be here and we'll all be painting . " ) to the scene where he tries to entertain the court with some awful jokes . ( " tb or not tb ? that is the congestion . " ) " what is sodomy ? " ( * ) a video of actual sodomy wouldn't be too much less entertaining than what woody gives us here , a sketch about a doctor ( gene wilder ) who falls in love with a sheep ( yes , a sheep ) . it's more tasteless than funny , and is actually played straight most of the time , with the only mild laughs coming when a depressed wilder drinks woolite from the bottle and caresses his lamb's wool sweater . " why do some women have trouble reaching orgasm ? " ( * * ) woody ignores the obvious answer ( because they're having sex with _him_ ! ) and instead plays a harrowed italian husband whose frigid wife ( louise lasser ) can only become aroused by having intercourse in public places . the entire segment is in subtitles and is mostly unfunny , a frigid piece of comedy . " are transvestites homosexuals ? " ( * 1/2 ) even more one-joke than the last segment , lou jacobi gets caught wearing a dress outside . that's about it . " what are sex perverts ? " ( * * 1/2 ) instead of just flashing his picture onscreen and moving on , woody recreates a " what's my line ? " takeoff entitled " what's my perversion ? " where panelists ( including regis philbin , who himself fantasizes about spanking kathie lee ) must ask questions to discover the contestant's perversion . this segment is interesting rather than funny , due to woody's convincing recreation of badly-preserved kinescope reels and use of game show host jack barry as himself . " are the findings of doctors and clinics who do sexual research and experiments accurate ? " ( * * * ) woody plays an apprentice sex doctor ( and author of the book " advanced sexual positions : how to achieve them without laughing " ) who must stop a giant breast ( " about 4 , 000 in an x cup " ) from destroying life as we know it . this one is funny until he crosses the taste line by having the breast squirt milk at its victims . " what happens during ejaculation ? " ( * * * 1/2 ) this one takes us inside the male body , which is depicted as a giant control center where little men in white suits ( including burt reynolds and tony randall ) control every activity of the body . here , as the erection is cranked up by sweaty manual laborers , nervous sperm woody prepares to be shot out of the body . creative and funny , a good climax to a movie that starts out with a bang , lays limp for awhile and regains its momentum toward the end . 
