directed by : stephen t . kay written by : ted lewis ( novel ) , david mckenna jack carter ( sylvester stallone ) beats people up for a living . or , as he says , people make promises and break them ; he refreshes their memories ( i still don't get that . they broke the promise , they didn't forget it . oh well ) . when his brother dies in a car accident , jack goes back to his hometown to find out what happened to him . he meets his brother's daughter , doreen ( rachael leigh cook ) , who obviously doesn't like jack , but confides in him that she doesn't think her father's death was an accident . he proceeds to question his sister in-law , gloria ( miranda richardson ) ; his brother's boss , cliff ( michael caine ) ; cyrus , an old acquaintance who now runs a porn shop ( mickey rourke ) ; and a rich computer geek named jeremy kinnear ( alan cumming ) . none of them will give him straight answers , so jack decides to beat the information he needs out of anyone he can find . he says he's going to fix things , but as gloria points out , jack doesn't fix things , he breaks things . ahh where to begin . let me start by saying that there is really nothing good about " get carter " . i mean nothing at all . i hunted and searched endlessly for a good thing here , pinching myself occasionally to stay awake . alas , it was all for naught . it's never a good sign when the car chases bore you , the story loses you , the jokes hurt you , and the nicest thing you can say about the movie is , " boy , that's a nice looking golf course . " that was a very nice looking golf course by the way . wish i could play there . it was nestled away on a mountain , perfectly kept , surrounded by a deep forest of evergreen trees . beautiful scenery . sorry , i just don't want to talk about the stupid movie . still , i can't procrastinate any longer , so here goes . try to imagine getting deposited right in the middle of a film that makes no sense at all . when i first walked in , i thought i'd somehow missed half the movie since the characters were all talking to each other like we were supposed to know what was going on . here's an example of the dialogue between sly and one of the bobs from " office space " . bob : " i've covered your a * * for long enough jack . " sly : " what are you talking about ? " ( my sentiments exactly ) bob : " well , you know , people are talking about you and gertrude ( or something like that , i just remember her name started with a " g " ) . " sly : " if people are talking it's because you gave them something to talk about . " now , bear in mind , this is at the very start of the film . we don't know who gertrude is , who bob ( that's not the character's name , but that's what i kept mentally calling him ) is , what jack's job is , what in the world is going on . already i was starting to not really care all that much . none of these questions are ever fully answered ( especially not the last one ) , and i never did start caring what was going on . i tried my best though dang it , i tried to get into this story , but i couldn't . it was too . . . too . . . what's the word i'm looking for ? stupid ! that's it . as for the actors , first up we have the great sly stallone . sly's career has been on the rocks lately , and he . . . uhh . . line ? sorry , sly's career has been on the rocks , and he needed a boost to rev-reval-revitilz . . . line ? sly needed this movie to revitalize his diminishing career , after box-office failures such as . . . uhh . . line ? forget it , take five . sorry about that folks , but sly's acting in " get carter " really is that bad . the man looks completely lost during half his scenes , and i'm willing to wager they took several hundred takes before he got it right . during a few of the so-called " dramatic " moments , he has long pauses during his varied speeches , during which he gazes into the distance for dramatic effect . i'm sorry , but it looks like he forgot his lines and is looking desperately for cue cards somewhere . miranda richardson ( " sleepy hollow " ) , is wasted in nearly every movie she appears in these days , that trend doesn't change with " get carter " . the great michael caine ( " the cider house rules " ) is completely wasted as the brother's friend and boss . i didn't think it was possible for mickey rourke ( " the rainmaker " ) to be considered wasted ( i'm usually fairly happy when he has limited screen time ) , but it was pulled off here . robin leigh cook ( " she's all that " ) plays robin leigh cook to the hilt , looking vaguely like a deer caught in the headlights of a semi ; and the less said about alan cumming ( " titus " ) the better off we'll all be . don't ask me to explain bob's ( john c . mcginley ) presence , or the character's significance in the story , because i can't . i don't get it . how does a movie this bad get made in this day and age ? don't the studios read the scripts before green-lighting a film ? guess not . i'd like to say that in the hands of a more capable director this could have been something , but that's not the case . still , the direction ( if you can call it that ) from relative newcomer stephan t . kay doesn't help matters . to start with , i like a movie that throws me right into the middle of the plot ; a movie that skips all that often pointless exposition of plot that will be revealed again later on . what i don't like is a movie that throws us into the middle of things and never explains itself , and " get carter " is just that kind of movie . kay seems to consider himself something of an oliver stone fan , since he's fond of quick cuts all over the place , sudden shifts to slow motion , and anything else he can think of to " dazzle " the eye . yet while stone's technique is irritating , kay's is excruciating . i didn't think it was possible to mangle a car chase to the point where you could no longer tell who was driving what , or who just smashed into whom , but kay manages to do it . or how about this ? sly walks up the stairs , putting on leather gloves and getting ready to crack some skulls . rather than just filming sly walking up the stairs , kay films sly walking up the stairs in quick little bursts . first he's at the bottom , then half-way up , then at the top . why was it filmed like this ? possibly to make the film look more artistic ( heh ) , but your guess is as good as mine . next up we have the dialogue , which is amusingly bad at its best , painful at its worst . here are a few examples : " you've got as much chance as a one legged man in an a * * kicking contest . " gee , clever sly , never heard that one before . sly approaches alan cumming on that neat looking golf course . alan : " who are you ? " sly : " tiger woods . " wow , that was clever too . mickey rourke , referring to his eyes : " are they still pretty ? " sly : " yeah , pretty like cat urine in the snow . " now that was really clever . one of my " favorite " lines from sly was " we're going to take this to the next level . " he only says it twice , but it was old the first time . hey sly , how about taking your acting to the next level ? didn't think so . the film's score , from composer tyler bates is grating , obnoxious , and fairly useless . " get carter " runs an unholy 115 minutes , which should have been cut down to . . uh . . well it just should have been cut . i'd recommend the movie to those who think stallone was jilted when he didn't get an oscar nomination for " judge dredd " , and give the film a much deserved one out of five stars . one last note , i know i had a full plot summary up there , but here's the real plot : jack asks question , person won't answer , jack threatens then with cheesy catch phrase or twists a limb till they cry uncle , person answers . what's the final threat of the movie ? possible sequel is hinted at . uncle ! uncle ! comments ? send to : <a href= " mailto : johnbeachem@dependentfilms . net " >johnbeachem@dependentfilms . net</a>past reviews can be found at : <a href= " http : //www . epinions . com/user-elerad " >http : //www . epinions . com/user-elerad</a> or <a href= " http : //us . imdb . com/reviewsby ? john + beachem " >http : //us . imdb . com/reviewsby ? john + beachem</a> * * * * * - one of the best movies of the year . * * * * - great flick , try and catch this one . * * * - okay movie , hits and misses . * * - pretty bad , see it at your own risk . * - see this one only if you enjoy pain . <hr>get your private , free e-mail from msn hotmail at <a href= " http : //www . hotmail . com . " >http : //www . hotmail . com . </a> share information about yourself , create your own public profile at <a href= " http : //profiles . msn . com . " >http : //profiles . msn . com . </a> 
