the now-classic video game tomb raider is a geek boy's dream -- a hot heroine with barbie-like measurements goes on adventures and kicks ass . the film adaptation , starring the buxom and bored angelina jolie , is nobody's dream . it's billed as an action fantasy , but possesses no physical excitement or wonder . ok , maybe some wonder , as in , " i wonder how paramount actually feels about this film . " even the teen hormones that live in all us guys are squashed by this one . jolie , trying to play our heroine lady lara croft as sexy and supercool , just looks mildly amused by the goings-on . i half expected her to check her watch while on camera , searching for lunch or a better project . [never underestimate crafty film editing . -ed . ] and it wouldn't take much to find the latter . somewhere in tomb raider exists a loose story about two parts of a single rune that , when joined together , can cause major cosmic tragedies when the planets next align , which is soon ( this only happens every 5 , 000 years , so this is important ! ) lady lara needs to keep the pieces from the enemy , or hide them , or something , but since the script is so painfully bad , we can't really tell or care . the screenplay , credited to six contributors including director simon west ( con air ) , is not only uninteresting , it is devoid of any style . if the film is supposed to be tongue-in-cheek , where are the laughs ? if it's got a heavy-duty comic-book slant , where is the camp ? tomb raider takes itself almost too seriously , by a group of writers who reduce the humor of this movie to lara's sidekick whining because his ass muscles fall asleep . these guys even cast jon voight ( jolie's real-life father ) as lara croft's father . . . and then make absolutely no reference to the in-joke . talk about a lost opportunity to add some fun and levity . at least you'd figure the shoot-em-up sequences would make up for the lack of an entertaining script . not so . save for a somewhat creative showdown during the finale , this dud's got your standard running , jumping , and gunplay , lifted from better movies you've already seen . the fight choreography is so tired that lara appears to be rehearsing for some off-screen gymnastics event . and while you're watching the action , be careful ! the filmmakers believe you might not be sure something cool is just about to happen . to help you along , west provides two hints : 1 ) the film is in slow motion , and 2 ) there's something resembling techno music in the soundtrack . of course , the slo-mo is more reminiscent of a billy joel video than the matrix , and the music sounds like your mom's techno , generic and palatable enough to be in a movie commercial or an elevator , rather than in a feature film ( funny , considering west began directing commercials ) . if it's action with zip and spice you're looking for , try the at least passable mummy returns . if it's just a hot babe wearing a closet-full of tight shirts , this movie just might do . but if it's tomb raider you really want , keep your playstation plugged in . 
