lara croft : tomb raider ( 2001 ) angelina jolie , daniel craig , iain glen , chris barrie , noah taylor , jon voight . screenplay by patrick massett & john zinman . directed by simon west . 98 minutes . rated pg-13 , 1 . 5 stars ( out of five stars ) review by ed johnson-ott , nuvo newsweekly www . nuvo . net archive reviews at <a href= " http : //reviews . imdb . com/reviewsby ? edward + johnson-ott " >http : //reviews . imdb . com/reviewsby ? edward + johnson-ott</a> to receive reviews by e-mail at no charge , send subscription requests to <a href= " mailto : ejohnsonott@prodigy . net " >ejohnsonott@prodigy . net</a> or e-mail <a href= " mailto : ejohnsonott-subscribe@onelist . com " >ejohnsonott-subscribe@onelist . com</a> with the word " subscribe " in the subject line . at the end of an action scene in " lara croft : tomb raider , " a wall collapses near the nubile warrior . with her face on the floor , she gazes into the rubble , then grins abruptly and says " oh , my car keys ! " i mention this scene because it was the only moment in the whole damned production that made me smile . based on an incredibly popular video game , " lara croft : tomb raider " is a lousy movie . the structure goes like this : poorly-staged action sequence , boring exposition , poorly-staged action sequence , boring exposition , etc . etc . , the end . basically , the film exists to showcase angelina jolie's puffy lips and enhanced tits . close-ups are framed oh-so-carefully to include her million dollar bazooms . running scenes highlight her bouncing breasts in vintage " baywatch " fashion . there's even include a shower scene that offers a brief side view of them . but the filmmakers are so inept they can't even flash the audience correctly . the one extended display of nudity is of - get ready for this - a guy . for no particular reason , a muscular supporting character strolls around naked for about 30 seconds , with each shot composed to barely cover his package , à la " austin powers . " now , i enjoy a good looking male body as much as the next gay guy , but what the hell is beefcake doing in a t&a flick aimed at heterosexual males ? of course , what else should one expect in a film that does virtually nothing right ? " tomb raider " sets up elaborate action set pieces , then renders them incomprehensible with needless jump cut editing ( a promising dual bungee cord battle is ruined by excessive cuts ) . it promises a series of exotic locales , then delivers cavernous sets and grimy matte paintings with smoggy skies . throw in some bargain basement computer graphics and you end up with the ugliest movie to come down the pike in many moons . intended to be a rousing " indiana jones " style adventure , " tomb raider " lacks any sense of tension . the low point comes when lara is " threatened " by statues of monkey warriors and a giant multi-armed shiva figure that come to life courtesy of cgi . easily the lamest menaces i have ever seen , the creatures move like snails and fall apart with a single shot from a gun . if you ever have to be chased by monsters , pray that you get the monkey warriors . " tomb raider " tells a story , sort of . once every 5 , 000 years , the planets align . a group of very bad men are out to find two halves of an object that , if reassembled just as the planets align , will give them control over time itself . lara's goal is to stop them and rescue her long-missing poppa ( jon voight , jolie's real life dad ) . none of this matters though , because stunning gaps in internal logic assure that the plot of " lara croft : tomb raider " is as lame as ever other aspect of the film – except angelina jolie's lips and breasts . 
