From rdz@CS.Cornell.EDU Sun Dec 6 16:44:25 1998 Date: Sun, 29 Nov 1998 19:28:20 -0500 From: Ramin Zabih To: David Gries Cc: facres@cloyd.cs.cornell.edu Subject: Re: GM versus Microsoft (joke) In response to David's joke, here is another take on what the world would be like if customers treated cars the way they treated computers. WHAT IF PEOPLE BOUGHT CARS LIKE THEY BUY COMPUTERS? General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if they did.... --------------------------------------------------------------- HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!" HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?" Customer: "What's an ignition?" HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine." Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?" --------------------------------------------------------------- HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!" HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?" Customer: "Huh? How do I know?" HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?" Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?" HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you." Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!" --------------------------------------------------------------- HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "Your cars suck!" HelpLine: "What's wrong?" Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!" HelpLine: "What were you doing?" Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now! HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?" Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!" --------------------------------------------------------------- HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks." HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?" Customer: "How do I work it?" HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?" Customer: "Do I know how to what?" HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?" Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!" At 10:15 AM 11/16/98 -0500, David Gries wrote: > >(I don't know the author) > >At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the >computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up >with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving >twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." > >In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release >stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all >be driving cars with the following characteristics: > >1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day. > >2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy >a new car. > >3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you >would just accept this, restart and drive on. > >4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause >your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have >to reinstall the engine. > >5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "car95" >or "carNT." But then you would have to buy more seats. > >6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five >times a fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five >percent of the roads. > >7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be >replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. > >8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. > >9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off. > >10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out >and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, >turned the key, and grabed hold of the radio antenna. > >11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand >McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need >them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately >cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM >would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department. > >12. Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn >how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in >the same manner as the old car. > >13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine. > >