# Screwed (2000)

### reviewed by
Homer Yen

    "Screwed" -- If You Don't Expect Too Much, It Hurts
    Less
    by Homer Yen
    (c) 2000

Watching "Screwed," an underwhelming comedy, is like trying to drive a car 10 miles in 2nd gear. You can only go so far before you become frustrated with the pace and progress.

In fact, this film has such little momentum that at some point, the movie almost stops from its own lack of inertia. "Screwed" primarily fails because it has no ambition. It doesn't try to offer anything new as far as comedies go. Instead it relies too heavily on an atmosphere of tomfoolery and inherently silly characters that bumble their way through the plot.

Yet, when it goes for a laugh, its method is to evoke a sense of queasiness. One such joke involves a creepy mortician (Danny DeVito) who displays way too much enjoyment for his job. He comments, "It's amazing what you dig out of dead people's bodies," as he proceeds to play a recently acquired harmonica. Another joke involves a wrinkly, semi-naked, 80-year old woman. And another one involves seeing Sherman Hemsley (TV's George Jefferson) in a thong. These sights are more apt to make you cringe with discomfort rather than chuckle.

The story revolves around a disgruntled butler named Willard (Norm MacDonald) and a dognapping scheme gone awry. Willard has been toiling for fifteen years as a butler for the miserly Miss Crock (Elaine Stritch). Crock is a wealthy pastry mogul who lavishes her dog with a lifestyle fit for a king. But for anything and anyone else, she's a mean-spirited tightwad. She seems especially put off by Willard's request for a new butler suit. His is tattered and frayed. In fact, it's the same suit that his father used to wear. On Christmas day, when he receives a Crock brand mincemeat pie, he can no longer stand the humiliation. So, with the help of his bumbling friend, Rusty (David Chappelle), they devise a plan to kidnap Crock's precious canine. "I'd bet she pay $1 million for that sack of fleas," he derisively says.

Of course, criminally inept fools like Willard and Rusty don't become skilled dognappers overnight. Though Willard is intent on revenge, he warns his friend, "we're not criminals; you fry chicken and I drive a car." But then they think about all the things they can do with that kind of money and are instantly motivated. Willard wants to escape to a tropical paradise. Rusty, who is more simple-minded, hopes to laminate the menus in his restaurant. They proceed with the dognapping, which they completely botch. And then in a twist stranger than bizarre, the police believe that Willard is the one who is kidnapped. Now, the jittery butler must find a way to 'unkidnap' himself and avoid being exposed by a tough-looking but soft-spoken detective (Daniel Benzali).

"Screwed" is the kind of mediocre filmmaking that sacrifices story for hammy acting. The only likable character was Miss Crock as the apathetic, crotchety old woman who debates whether to pay the ransom money for Willard's release. The others were just plain silly, though watching Rusty hit people with desk lamps might illicit a chuckle or two. And the story has the consistency of rice pudding. The film's direction saunters from one idea to another, and as a result, it becomes a melange of half-baked ideas in a now-you-see-it-now-you-don't kind of way. The film starts off as a revenge flick, transforms into a story where Willard must cover his tracks, and then ultimately introduces an angle of reconciliation and forgiveness. Slowly paced and completely unremarkable, this film is more than enough to make you feel screwed.

    Grade: C-

    S: 1        out of 3
    L: 1        out of 3
    V: 1        out of 3

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