# Whole Nine Yards, The (2000)

### reviewed by
Steve Rhodes

    THE WHOLE NINE YARDS
    A film review by Steve Rhodes
    Copyright 2000 Steve Rhodes
    RATING (0 TO ****):  **

Who says Hollywood has run out of ideas? How about a comedy about the mob? That's pretty fresh, right?

Jonathan Lynn's THE WHOLE NINE YARDS features a convoluted plot about ever-changing mob factions that are trying to whack each other. Add to that lots of slapstick with guys running into doors and letting off gas, and you can see the creative juices flowing like molasses going upstream. Mitchell Kapner's script, of course, has been done many times before and usually much better (ANALYZE THIS and GOODFELLAS being just two examples). While THE WHOLE NINE YARDS is frequently cute, it's rarely more than that. The infrequent laughs are forced, and the movie feels as stale as a month-old focaccia.

Bad accents are prominently featured, and none is worse than that of Rosanna Arquette, who plays the obnoxious wife of a Montreal dentist, whom she's trying to get murdered. Matthew Perry, an actor with a highly limited comedic range, is appallingly bad as her husband, Nick "Oz" Oseransky. Perry's numerous physical comedy routines are more embarrassing than funny.

One day, Jimmy Jones a.k.a. Jimmy the Tulip Tudeski (Bruce Willis) moves in next door to Oz. In a complicated plot, the Chicago mob, led by Yanni Gogolack (Kevin Pollak with a repulsively bad accent), wants Jimmy dead. Jimmy in turn wants Yanni wasted. And Jimmy's wife, Cynthia (Natasha Henstridge), also has murderous intentions, although she's somewhat more negotiable on exactly who dies. Who will kill whom, and who's on whose side changes constantly.

The humor is so droll that it usually isn't funny at all. "It's not important how many people I've killed," Jimmy tells Oz. "It's how I get along with those still alive." Jimmy is so tough that he grabs flies, sucks them into his mouth and spits them out as little corpses.

The film's only real enjoyment comes from two members of the supporting cast. Michael Clarke Duncan (THE GREEN MILE) plays Frankie Figs, Jimmy's lovable bear of a sidekick. When Duncan comes on the screen, he has so much charisma that you want to stop the movie and hug him right then and there.

The best character, Oz's receptionist, Jill, is played by Amanda Peet from last year's atrocious BODY SHOTS. Jill is a toothy brunette with enthusiasm to burn. A hit man groupie, she worships Jimmy like a rock star. When he invites her to help him, it's like Mick Jagger asking her to come on stage and join him singing at a gig. She's ready, literally, to give Jimmy the shirt off of her back to help him with his plans.

Movie goers -- both of them -- who've never seen a Mafioso comedy will probably find this picture funny. Everyone else will leave wishing that they had stayed at home and rented something like GOODFELLAS instead.

THE WHOLE NINE YARDS runs 1:39. It is rated R for some violence, nudity, sexual situations and language and would be acceptable for most teenagers.

Email: Steve.Rhodes@InternetReviews.com Web: http://www.InternetReviews.com

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