# Red Planet (2000)

### reviewed by
Rose 'Bams' Cooper

    '3BlackChicks Review...'

RED PLANET (2000) Rated R; running time 110 minutes Genre: Science Fiction Seen at: Celebration Cinema (Lansing, Michigan) Official site: http://www.redplanetmovie.com/ IMDB site: http://us.imdb.com/Details?0199753 Written by: Jonathan Lemkin, Channing Gibson (based upon a story by Chuck Pfarrer) Directed by: Anthony Hoffman Cast: Val Kilmer, Carrie-Anne Moss, Tom Sizemore, Benjamin Bratt, Simon Baker, Terrence Stamp

Review Copyright Rose Cooper, 2000 Review URL: http://www.3blackchicks.com/bamsredplanet.html

The five-second Bammer review: YAWN.

Those needing a wee bit more substance in their reviews, are invited to read on.

The Story (WARNING: **spoilers contained below**): The year: 2057. Twelve billion people living on Earth. Something's gotta give - and increasingly, it's Earth's natural resources.

For 20 years, Earth scientists sent unmanned probes to Mars, hoping to stimulate life there, to one day allow some of Earth's citizenry to colonize Mars. When the oxygen levels on Mars start dropping, "Houston" sends a crack team of their top people to Mars to investigate. The team includes: tough-as-nails [but Soft inside!] Mission Commander Kate Bowman (Carrie-Anne Moss); techie Robby Gallagher (Val Kilmer), who the team teasingly calls their "Space Janitor"; Dr. Quinn Burchenal (Tom Sizemore), a Geneticist with Science constantly on the brain; Lt. Ted Santen (Benjamin Bratt), mission co-pilot and resident Stud; Terraforming Specialist Chip Pettengill (Simon Baker), picked for the mission as a last-minute replacement; and Dr. Bud Chantillas (Terrence Stamp), former scientist and current Seeker-Of-Light.

And let's not forget AMEE, the robot WonderDog; prepped for exploration as well as military mode, AMEE is one terminator that you do *not* wanna tick off.

The Upshot: I'm firmly convinced that at this point in human existence, movies about missions to Mars, are doomed to be bad (contrary to what I wrote in my review of MISSION TO MARS, which I, admittedly, overrated because of its Tender Love Story. Hooboy, did I take a wrong turn there. But I digress.)

RED PLANET was, in a word, boring. And in a few more words, it had plot holes wide enough to drive a truck through, uninteresting characters that you were glad to watch die one at a time, a storyline that was laughingly thin with weak feints toward having Big Philosophical Discussions, multiple Deus Ex Machinas (one in particular that had the Geek in me up in arms; anyone with working knowledge of How Modems Work, will see what I mean), and the dumbest, most unintentionally funny excuse for an Evil Monster that I've seen in a long time. Oh, but the movie *did* have irrelevant-to-the-scene Sting songs constantly playing in the background, and - proving that it was Modern! And! Hip! - lots of references to The Web. Oooh. I'm impressed.

I give "Planet" credit for almost coming to life near the end [ironic that the more characters died off, the more interesting the movie got], and for avoiding the easy "Matrix" way out by not making Carrie-Anne Moss' character Melt around all the flying testosterone [at least, not completely]. The movie certainly *looked* Pretty enough, though the strange etch-a-sketch (without the surrounding plastic) directional thingies the characters were so fond of using, made me long for Mr. Spock's Tricorder. And I gotta admit that that Braless Space Commander closeup even got *my* attention (must be cold up there, eh Commander?). But considering that RED PLANET was held back for months to keep it out of direct competition with MISSION TO MARS, you might think that they'd spend a little time adding some...oh, I dunno...*entertainment* to it or something.

And what a waste of Tom Sizemore; hell, of Moss (who at least had a few sparky moments) and Terrence Stamp, too (Val Kilmer, though, was his usual wooden self). Director Anthony Hoffman oughta be pimp-slapped for having all that powerful acting ability at his fingertips, and leaving it lost in space like that.

The "Black Factor" [ObDisclaimer: We Are Not A Monolith]:

The good news: there were no Black astronauts in this "futuristic" space flick to test out Diva's "Brotha Rule Of Science Fiction" (in which the Black astronaut/scientist/comic-relief is usually the first to die).

The bad news: there were no Black astronauts in this "futuristic" space flick.

The better news: there were no Black actors wasted in this stunningly boring space flick.

Bammer's Bottom Line: It might be that Mars exploration is too far ahead of our time to allow filmmakers to create a good, realistic, adventurous Mars space flick just yet. Or it might be that with all the Modern Technology gizmos that we humans have, it's NASA that's behind the ball, not keeping up with *us*; who knows. One thing's for sure: until Classics like "The Jetsons" come to fruition, none of these "To Mars...And Beyond!" pretenders to the throne have a real prayer of impressing an increasingly techno-aware American Public. Unless, of course, they have "Star Wars" somewhere in the title.

RED PLANET (rating: yellowlight): Crash-landing at a theater near you...

    Rose "Bams" Cooper
    Webchick and Editor,
    3BlackChicks Review
    Movie Reviews With Flava!
    Copyright Rose Cooper, 2000
    EMAIL: bams@3blackchicks.com
    http://www.3blackchicks.com/

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