# Get Carter (2000)

### reviewed by
John Beachem

    GET CARTER

    Review by John Beachem

    *

Directed by: Stephen T. Kay Written by: Ted Lewis (novel), David McKenna

Jack Carter (Sylvester Stallone) beats people up for a living. Or, as he says, people make promises and break them; he refreshes their memories (I still don't get that. They broke the promise, they didn't forget it. Oh well). When his brother dies in a car accident, Jack goes back to his hometown to find out what happened to him. He meets his brother's daughter, Doreen (Rachael Leigh Cook), who obviously doesn't like Jack, but confides in him that she doesn't think her father's death was an accident. He proceeds to question his sister in-law, Gloria (Miranda Richardson); his brother's boss, Cliff (Michael Caine); Cyrus, an old acquaintance who now runs a porn shop (Mickey Rourke); and a rich computer geek named Jeremy Kinnear (Alan Cumming). None of them will give him straight answers, so Jack decides to beat the information he needs out of anyone he can find. He says he's going to fix things, but as Gloria points out, Jack doesn't fix things, he breaks things.

Ahh where to begin. Let me start by saying that there is really nothing good about "Get Carter". I mean nothing at all. I hunted and searched endlessly for a good thing here, pinching myself occasionally to stay awake. Alas, it was all for naught. It's never a good sign when the car chases bore you, the story loses you, the jokes hurt you, and the nicest thing you can say about the movie is, "boy, that's a nice looking golf course." That was a very nice looking golf course by the way. Wish I could play there. It was nestled away on a mountain, perfectly kept, surrounded by a deep forest of evergreen trees. Beautiful scenery. Sorry, I just don't want to talk about the stupid movie. Still, I can't procrastinate any longer, so here goes.

Try to imagine getting deposited right in the middle of a film that makes no sense at all. When I first walked in, I thought I'd somehow missed half the movie since the characters were all talking to each other like we were supposed to know what was going on. Here's an example of the dialogue between Sly and one of the Bobs from "Office Space". Bob: "I've covered your a** for long enough Jack." Sly: "What are you talking about?" (my sentiments exactly) Bob: "Well, you know, people are talking about you and Gertrude (or something like that, I just remember her name started with a "G")." Sly: "If people are talking it's because you gave them something to talk about." Now, bear in mind, this is at the very start of the film. We don't know who Gertrude is, who Bob (that's not the character's name, but that's what I kept mentally calling him) is, what Jack's job is, what in the world is going on. Already I was starting to not really care all that much. None of these questions are ever fully answered (especially not the last one), and I never did start caring what was going on. I tried my best though dang it, I tried to get into this story, but I couldn't. It was too... too... what's the word I'm looking for? Stupid! That's it.

As for the actors, first up we have the great Sly Stallone. Sly's career has been on the rocks lately, and he... uhh.. line? Sorry, Sly's career has been on the rocks, and he needed a boost to rev-reval-revitilz... line? Sly needed this movie to revitalize his diminishing career, after box-office failures such as... uhh.. line? Forget it, take five. Sorry about that folks, but Sly's acting in "Get Carter" really is that bad. The man looks completely lost during half his scenes, and I'm willing to wager they took several hundred takes before he got it right. During a few of the so-called "dramatic" moments, he has long pauses during his varied speeches, during which he gazes into the distance for dramatic effect. I'm sorry, but it looks like he forgot his lines and is looking desperately for cue cards somewhere. Miranda Richardson ("Sleepy Hollow"), is wasted in nearly every movie she appears in these days, that trend doesn't change with "Get Carter". The great Michael Caine ("The Cider House Rules") is completely wasted as the brother's friend and boss. I didn't think it was possible for Mickey Rourke ("The Rainmaker") to be considered wasted (I'm usually fairly happy when he has limited screen time), but it was pulled off here. Robin Leigh Cook ("She's All That") plays Robin Leigh Cook to the hilt, looking vaguely like a deer caught in the headlights of a semi; and the less said about Alan Cumming ("Titus") the better off we'll all be. Don't ask me to explain Bob's (John C. McGinley) presence, or the character's significance in the story, because I can't.

I don't get it. How does a movie this bad get made in this day and age? Don't the studios read the scripts before green-lighting a film? Guess not. I'd like to say that in the hands of a more capable director this could have been something, but that's not the case. Still, the direction (if you can call it that) from relative newcomer Stephan T. Kay doesn't help matters. To start with, I like a movie that throws me right into the middle of the plot; a movie that skips all that often pointless exposition of plot that will be revealed again later on. What I don't like is a movie that throws us into the middle of things and never explains itself, and "Get Carter" is just that kind of movie. Kay seems to consider himself something of an Oliver Stone fan, since he's fond of quick cuts all over the place, sudden shifts to slow motion, and anything else he can think of to "dazzle" the eye. Yet while Stone's technique is irritating, Kay's is excruciating. I didn't think it was possible to mangle a car chase to the point where you could no longer tell who was driving what, or who just smashed into whom, but Kay manages to do it. Or how about this? Sly walks up the stairs, putting on leather gloves and getting ready to crack some skulls. Rather than just filming Sly walking up the stairs, Kay films Sly walking up the stairs in quick little bursts. First he's at the bottom, then half-way up, then at the top. Why was it filmed like this? Possibly to make the film look more artistic (heh), but your guess is as good as mine.

Next up we have the dialogue, which is amusingly bad at its best, painful at its worst. Here are a few examples: "You've got as much chance as a one legged man in an a** kicking contest." Gee, clever Sly, never heard that one before. Sly approaches Alan Cumming on that neat looking golf course. Alan: "Who are you?" Sly: "Tiger Woods." Wow, that was clever too. Mickey Rourke, referring to his eyes: "Are they still pretty?" Sly: "Yeah, pretty like cat urine in the snow." Now that was REALLY clever. One of my "favorite" lines from Sly was "We're going to take this to the next level." He only says it twice, but it was old the first time. Hey Sly, how about taking your acting to the next level? Didn't think so. The film's score, from composer Tyler Bates is grating, obnoxious, and fairly useless. "Get Carter" runs an unholy 115 minutes, which should have been cut down to.. uh.. well it just should have been cut. I'd recommend the movie to those who think Stallone was jilted when he didn't get an Oscar nomination for "Judge Dredd", and give the film a much deserved one out of five stars. One last note, I know I had a full plot summary up there, but here's the real plot: Jack asks question, person won't answer, Jack threatens then with cheesy catch phrase or twists a limb till they cry uncle, person answers. What's the final threat of the movie? Possible sequel is hinted at. Uncle! Uncle!

Comments? Send to: johnbeachem@dependentfilms.net

Past reviews can be found at: http://www.epinions.com/user-elerad or http://us.imdb.com/ReviewsBy?John+Beachem

* * * * * - One of the best movies of the year. * * * * - Great flick, try and catch this one. * * * - Okay movie, hits and misses. * * - Pretty bad, see it at your own risk. * - See this one only if you enjoy pain.

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