# Diamonds (1999)

### reviewed by
Jon Popick

PLANET SICK-BOY: http://www.sick-boy.com

Call it a pity film. Call it a last hurrah for a Hollywood legend. Call it what you want – it's still crap. Diamonds stars eighty-three-year-old Kirk Douglas, and the film opens with clips of his Oscar-nominated turn in the 1959 film Champion. Old clips of old glory – for both Douglas and his character.

Douglas was never better in Champion, which, prior to Raging Bull, was probably the finest boxing flick around. He was nominated for Oscars two other times but never won. Which brings us to the perplexing Diamonds – a film that seems specifically made to give Douglas one last shot at winning an Oscar. Having suffered a serious stroke in 1995, he'd certainly have the sympathy vote. And with the film backed by the Miramax Oscar juggernaut – well, we know what they're capable of. But then the film was released. There is still a twinkle in his eye, but Douglas has the acting range of…well, of a guy that just had a serious stroke.

Douglas plays Harry `The Polish Prince' Agensky, a former welterweight fighter that raised himself from the depths of poverty to become the champion of the world. In 1994, Harry's beloved wife Ellie died, and shortly after that he had a stroke that left him unable to speak. Living in British Columbia with his son Moses (Kurt Fuller, Pushing Tin), Harry is visited by his other son Lance (Dan Aykroyd, Blues Brothers 2000) and teenage grandson Michael (Corbin Allred, Anywhere But Here), who are en route to a vacation from San Francisco. Thanks to practicing daily with a videotaped speech coach, Harry is now able to speak somewhat intelligibly.

Lance, an ornery, divorced newspaper columnist, is still upset over his relationship with his dad, who was never around during his childhood. Michael, however, instantly bonds with Harry, who explains that `a stroke is God's way of making you shut up.' Of course, if Harry were to actually shut up, we would never find out about his crazy story of a thrown fight and magic diamonds. But no, there isn't a beanstalk – that would have made the film entertaining. Entertainment was obviously the furthest thing from the minds of the filmmakers.

Long story short, Michael persuades Lance to let Harry come with them on vacation. They head for Reno, which makes no sense if you've gone to British Columbia on the way from San Francisco. Harry acts up, Lance get embarrassed, and Michael shouts `Right on, Grandpa!' and `Grandpa, you da man!' as his grandfather gets drunk, trashes hotel rooms and punches people out.

There is a significant portion of the film that takes place in a whorehouse, where characters played by Lauren Bacall (The Mirror Has Two Faces) and Jenny McCarthy (Scream 3) are introduced. Bacall, if you remember, was the last victim of the whole give-the-Oscar-to-the-faded-star-because-he/she-is-a-legend-that-has-never-won-before syndrome (she was nominated but lost to The English Patient's Juliette Binoche and looked extremely pissed off). And how bad off is a film when former Playmate McCarthy shows more range than the rest of your actors? But, then again, she's playing a hooker, so I'm not sure you can even call what she's doing `acting.'

When Michael asks his grandpa if he is still in pain from the stroke, Harry mumbles `frustrating,' which is just how you'll feel if you decide to plunk down money to watch this film. Diamonds was penned by first-time screenwriter Allan Aaron Katz and directed by John Mallory Asher (Kounterfeit). The acting in the film is so bad that I actually believe everyone was purposely horrible to make Douglas look better.

1:31 - PG-13 on appeal for sexual content, drug use and language

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