# Clan of the Cave Bear, The (1986)

### reviewed by
Justin Felix

THE CLAN OF THE CAVE BEAR (1986) A "Turkey of the Week" film review by Justin Felix. Copyright 1998 Justin Felix. These reviews are archived at http://us.imdb.com/M/reviews_by?Justin+Felix

    Rating: ** (out of five)

Screenplay by John Sayles. Based on the novel by Jean M. Auel. Directed by Michael Chapman. Starring Daryl Hannah, Pamela Reed, James Remar. Rated R (contains nudity and violence) 98 mins.

Synopsis: Cro-Magnon Ayla loses her mother to an earthquake and escapes certain death by a lion. Reluctantly rescued by a Neanderthal clan who likes to have sex doggy-style, Ayla grows up to become a blond, feminist supermodel who challenges the Neanderthal patriarchy by throwing rocks and giving birth without a mate.

Comments: Allow me to state for the record that I find Daryl Hannah an appealing presence in movies. She proved quite charming as the intelligent astronomer in the romantic comedy ROXANNE and equally creepy as Pris in the sci-fi classic BLADE RUNNER. THE CLAN OF THE CAVE BEAR clearly tries to capitalize on Hannah as a selling point: the poster art bears a striking closeup of Hannah in tribal paint and the video box prominently features her name in lettering the same size as the title. Not even her starring role in this turkey, unfortunately, can save it from being an unbelievable exercise in cheese. It's so uniquely bad (a film dealing with prehistoric man that actually tries, and miserably fails, to be serious) that it's oddly fascinating. The ridiculous attempt at drama here leaves the audience somehow transfixed, wanting to see how this dud plays out.

THE CLAN OF THE CAVE BEAR is based upon a popular novel by Jean M. Auel. To this day, the book possesses a loyal cult following. I remember a dear friend of mine had a dog-eared copy of the novel she had read as a child with all the so-called dirty parts blacked out with marker by her grandmother. I have never read this book, but I sure hope it's 10,000 times better than its film adaptation. If not, then I'm at a complete loss to explain its popularity.

THE CLAN OF THE CAVE BEAR immediately opens with a comically absurd scene. A young Ayla, looking much like Drew Barrymore in E.T., tramps about in the woods. With her cute little ponytails and fur wrapped about her, the audience's expectations of a convincing portrayal of prehistory are immediately shattered. What follows is a laughably choreographed sequence in which an earthquake swallows up Ayla's mother (a blonde with fur pants...er, leggings). Tearful Ayla looks on as the cameraman shakes the camera...well, as the earthquake slowly recedes. A hungry lion becomes interested in her for lunch, but the screaming six-year-old manages to outrun the king of the wild and find a safe haven. I won't detail the story any further; this seems enough to illustrate my point. This movie is really stupid. It never even gives the audience a chance to suspend their disbelief. Also, the obvious comparison between the appearance of Cro-Magnon man in prehistory and the rise of feminism in our century is about as subtle as burning a Wonderbra in front of Charlton Heston. The movie doesn't just suggest this message; it whacks the message into the audience with a two-by-four. A blond, gorgeous woman challenges the social laws of a bunch of people in gaudy brown wigs. She's of the "new people"; they're of the "old people" with "the memories." Yep. We get it. We get it.

THE CLAN OF THE CAVE BEAR apparently received an Academy Award nomination for best make-up, which surprises me. The movie depends upon a lot of make-up obviously, but much of it is unconvincing. As stated before, Daryl Hannah is Daryl Hannah here; she looks like she just stepped out of the shower all the time. The rest of the characters have dark make-up of some sort smeared over them to look like dirt. The face-painting that's occasionally seen is perhaps the only notable work here in my mind.

This movie also suffers from its new age trappings. Maybe the music sounded a lot more fresh or original during 1985, but now it sounds dated and cliched, like poorly conceived elevator music. Add to this the film's faux-mysticism, including spirit animals and dream visions, and a narrator who sounds like a psychic you'd expect to hear on a 1-900 number, and you get a movie that has serious problems being serious.

THE CLAN OF THE CAVE BEAR is rated R, though it's probably one of the most inoffensive offensive films I've seen in quite a while. It contains several scenes of sex sans nudity. The violence mostly consists of hunting scenes. The funniest moment of the movie occurs when a Neanderthal in love with Ayla attempts to rescue her from a ferocious bear. The bear bites his head off and the audience sees it rolling about. Although this may sound gratuitous, I'm sure, it's so cheesy that it probably won't bother most people.

THE CLAN OF THE CAVE BEAR is a bad movie. However, as I wrote at the beginning of this review, it does have the distinction of originality. Typically when I think of bottom-of-the-barrel films dealing with early man, fantasy movies involving dinosaurs (who did not exist at the same time as man) and Raquel Welch come to mind. THE CLAN OF THE CAVE BEAR tries so hard to be serious that, though it's so bad, the audience is still interested by the unique setting and characters of the movie (which is why I awarded this turkey two stars). I have to think that fans of the book would be disappointed with this film version; however, I'm only basing this observation on the fact that the book is almost invariably better than the movie. I shudder to think that it could be otherwise...

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