# Godzilla (1998)

### reviewed by
Nicholas Amado

    Review: Godzilla

Starring: Matthew Broderick, Jean Reno, Maria Pitillo, Hank Azaria, Michael Lerner, Kevin Dunn, Harry Shearer

    Directed by Roland Emmerich

    Approx running time: 130 min

Godzilla is a nuclear freak. He is a lizard that has been mutated over the years and has become a new species, one that has a foot as long as this bus, and a claw as long as this sign. This aquatic creature made its first attack in the Pacific Islands. He tore up a ship that carried dozens of Japanese men. One survived. Only he was left to recount the terror that he had seen. He was merely able to repeat the words "Godzilla...Godzilla...Godzilla".

The film then introduces us to Matthew Broderick, a biologist who has been studying the fascinating growth of Chernobyl earthworms. "They're 17% larger than they used to be!" he proclaims. The U.S. military pulls him off this three year project and assigns him to figure out what Godzilla is. And, boy, does he find out.

And, boy, does Godzilla suck. I hate to use such a word in a review, something that is supposed to inform my audience, but I really need to drive this one home and I refuse to use explitives. It is unbelieveable to me how the producers of this movie saw the final cut and said, "Ok! It's great! Let's show this puppy."

Roland Emmerich needs a good horse whipping. His latest piece of trash makes ID4 look like a masterpiece of modern American cinema. And if Steven Spielberg had never made the Jurassic Park films, Emmerich and his team of talent-challenged imbeciles would never have had a clue as to how the creature should look.

Let me give you a few examples of this terrible attempt at filmmaking. I plan on giving some things away here. Belive me, Godzilla holds no surprises for anyone with an IQ higher than their shoe size, so...no worries. However, if you are looking for that "first time thrill" and you refuse to let me do you this favor, by all means, stop reading now.

A.) Godzilla makes his first ever attack in the Pacific Islands. He next strikes in New York City. Um...anyone have a map handy?

B.) The Mayor of New York City is a heavy set individual with parted gray hair and thick glasses. His name is Mayor Ebert. His assistant is named Gene. Gene gives Ebert a thumbs down at the end of the film. I couldn't make this up if I tried, folks.

C.) Stay with me on this one... Ok. Godzilla can out run torpedoes. Hank Azaria can out run Godzilla babies. (Which look more like Jurassic Park raptors than the Jurassic Park raptors.)

D.) The U.S. Military, upon realization that Godzilla has disappeared after running rampant through the city, decides that he "might be hiding in a building."

E.) (oh yeah, I can go all the way to E.) Godzilla strikes at Manhattan. Manhattan, an island approximately the size of San Francisco holds three million people. They evactuate to New Jersey in about one day. No problem.

F.) Early on, they bait Godzilla with fish. (He likes fish, you know.) The thing is on an Island. The Atlantic Ocean is three steps east, but pile a whole bunch of grouper on Fifth and 57th...oh he's gonna come running.

G.) You know what? I'll stop with the list now...the alphabet isn't big enough anyway.

The dialogue makes me wonder if Producer Dean Devlin had his five year old do a re-write. "The kid is GOOD!" he must have said. Maria Pitillo is looking to become a name in Hollywood by starring in this potential blockbuster. Bad move, Maria. Acting doesn't get much worse than her turn as Broderick's ex-flame. Matthew Broderick is a good actor, but you'd never give him a chance if Godzilla were the only film of his you'd seen. Jean Reno needs to pick his American films a bit more carefully.

At times, Godzilla seems to be headed toward a Zucker, Abrahams, Zucker film. (Airplane!, Naked Gun.) The jokes are indeed that bad. But just when you think the filmmakers are having fun with you, they take themselves seriously. How dare they! Godzilla would have been better if it had only thrown in visual sight gags and fart jokes. At least then we would know we were supposed to laugh. Each and every character in Godzilla is beyond stupid and I was really pulling for the beast to kill more of them.

Emmerich did do one thing, though. (And I've no idea if it was intentional.) He made me sympathize with Godzilla. His attackers were so damn dumb that I felt sorry for him being pelted with bullets and missles. But what made me feel even sorrier for him was that his famous name will always be attatched to one of the worst films Hollywood has ever produced.

    Zero out of * * * * Stars.
    Copyright © 1998 Nick Amado

Comments, complaints, questions, debates? Email me at namado@concentric.net

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