# Varsity Blues (1999)

### reviewed by
Jamie Peck

VARSITY BLUES Reviewed by Jamie Peck

Rating: ** (out of ****) Paramount / 1:41 / 1999 / R (language, nudity, drugs, sexuality) Cast: James Van Der Beek; Jon Voight; Amy Smart; Paul Walker; Scott Caan; Ali Larter; Ron Lester; Eliel Swinton Director: Brian Robbins Screenplay: John Gatins; W. Peter Iliff

Those film-going blues inspired by the typical January release schedule of studio holdovers and expected duds sure aren't remedied by "Varsity Blues," a messy melee of predictable teen- and sports-movie cliches that never quite scores the touchdowns for which it strains. But making it to at least the 50-yard line is another matter entirely, and it can be argued that this youth-oriented potboiler gets bits and pieces of its ludicrously jam-packed story right. It's just that the good parts are hidden under a distracting jumble of impossibly good-looking actors, silly sex-oriented humor and a booming soundtrack that includes all this week's hot bands. That MTV had a hand in producing "Varsity Blues" shouldn't surprise you.

At least there are worthwhile messages about self-confidence and winning not being everything buried amongst all the raunchy goings-on, but such morals will likely be lost on the movie's core audience of fratboys, users of Noxeema and avid "Teen Beat" readers. That last group will happily plunk down the admission price to watch "Dawson's Creek" hunk du jour James Van Der Beek literally tackle his first big-screen role, a high school football player whose moment to shine comes when his Texas team's star quarterback ("Pleasantville"'s Paul Walker) suffers an on-field injury. Think of Van Der Beek's dull Jonathan "Mox" Moxon as the anti-Dawson.

Not exactly hot off the newfound fame, Mox clashes with a coach (Jon Voight) who'll do _anything_ to ensure the 23rd consecutive win of the state championships. That's the main storyline, but "Varsity Blues" veers off course on matters risque and ribald enough to ensure it doesn't flop like dissimilar gridiron flicks "Rudy" or "The Program." Mox's obese, good ol' boy pal Billy Bob (Ron Lester) dips pancakes in butter, guzzles maple syrup straight from the bottle and can't hold down booze! Mox's sexy biology instructor turns out to be a stripper who bumps and grinds to Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher" at a local strip club! Mox goes to a wild party where a couple does the nasty atop a vibrating washing machine!

Mox is also lusted after by his ailing friend's girlfriend (Ali Larter), but this character seems to exist solely so "Varsity Blues" can stage a seduction scene complete with French kisses and Cool Whip. Sure, pretty Larter looks beguiling in her strategically-placed cream bikini, but a romantic temptation subplot is the last thing this movie needs, especially when it apparently doesn't have time or the creativity to resolve earlier ones (like a forgotten-about illness for Billy Bob and a black teammate who's trotted out only when a race card needs to be played). As you can probably guess, everything boils down to a testosterone-fueled big game where the stakes are high and the tension is non-existent.

See, we know everything will turn out alright, mainly because "Varsity Blues" amounts to little more than a cinematic rendition of the ultimate male fantasy - jocks, chicks, Coors and scores of multiple varieties. It's nicely shot and well-performed by a mostly fresh-faced cast, but these assets go to waste because the movie's ambitions rarely amount to anything more than a "Porky's"-esque parade of boobs and liquor, liquor and boobs. (The most challenging shot prominently features both.) Perhaps there'd be nothing wrong with this were "Varsity Blues"' heart in the right place, but it's conflicted between body parts a foot above and a foot below.

© 1999 Jamie Peck E-mail: jpeck1@gl.umbc.edu Visit The Reel Deal Online: http://www.gl.umbc.edu/~jpeck1/ "'Joe's Apartment' would be a very bad comedy even without the roaches, but it would not be a disgusting one. No, wait: I take that back. Even without the roaches, we would still have the subplot involving the pink disinfectant urinal cakes." -Roger Ebert on "Joe's Apartment"

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